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Brain weasels

There are two bad patterns in my brain (my brine?) that started up in the last 6 years and seem to take over when I'm feeling low. One of them is the one from eight and a half years back, that I am an inherently unlovable person who does not merit having friends. I spent a year seeing this as the only logical conclusion I could reach from the intense social ostracism I endured at the hands of three friends that I could only believe no longer liked me because I wasn't worth liking. In my good times I realize the problem was that I had picked the wrong people to be friends with, but when I have people cut me out, I can flip back to this mode. They cut me out because I'm fucked up and unlovable. It's all I should expect. And when this happens, I go into a very bad place, a place where I am looking at a lifetime of being alone, which is a situation that for me is really unendurable because it makes me feel really, really bad.

And being in this place (first time two Octobers ago, when I said I wanted to divorce Jason and a bunch of people decided to cut me out because of this) leads to the other thing, which is wanting to kill myself and end the misery. I sit there and do a cost benefit analysis and based on the pleasure I am getting out of my life I don't see much of a reason to keep living it. Plus, you know, I'm defective (see above). I can tell I am in this place because I sit there at the train stations and keep thinking about where I need to stand for maximum effect. And I don't think, now or then, that I want to take drugs to change these feelings, because when I feel that way, I think that I'm better off _not_ continuing to drag out the situation. And if I'm going to keep spending my life getting into lows that last for six months at a time or longer, is it really a life worth living? I kinda think not.

I'm not feeling that way right now. I'm just feeling shitty. I've been feeling good for two months and I'm hoping the shitty feeling will go away. But I'm sad because looking at the me now, I know that the me of 10 years did not have either of these feelings, and I believe they will always be there in me now, like some disease that is suppressed by a healthy body but comes out when your immunity is dropped.

Yahoo. Check in with me in ten years, maybe I'll manage to break these things by then. Or maybe they'll have broken me.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
arkady
Nov. 8th, 2012 01:35 pm (UTC)
The problem with successive bouts of depression like that is that each bout causes actually, clinically-measurable, physical damage to your brain that is cumulative over time - i.e. the more you have, the more you're going to have. Your brain undergoes physical and biochemical changes. Taking medication does actually ameliorate that, so that by refusing to take medication when you need it (and if you're suicidal then yes, you do need it) you're basically just guaranteeing that it's going to happen again. It's not something that therapy is going to fix either, because changing the way you think and react to shitty situations unfortunately isn't going to change or fix the very real damage that's been done.

If you had diabetes, you'd take your insulin. You wouldn't just give up on living - you'd take the medication and just get on with living. Chronic depression is exactly the same. Your brain has sustained damage which means it can no longer regulate the neurochemicals in the same way, so you see a specialist, get the prescription, then get on with life and the idea is that then you don't keep going through the six-month lows. By toughing it out you actually make things worse.
webcowgirl
Nov. 8th, 2012 06:33 pm (UTC)
Because of the negative effects I've seen in pretty much everyone I know who's taken drugs for depression, I don't want to take drugs that mess with my brain chemistry.
thewronghands
Nov. 9th, 2012 05:50 am (UTC)
I've seen a bunch of notable failure cases, but also some notable successes. So, I know the kind of o.O you're talking about and sympathize... I'd be nervous about that too if it were me. But it might also be that the people for whom it's done a lot of good, you're not seeing because you wouldn't even know that they'd been depressed. It's a scary and challenging thing, certainly. But I don't think it always fails.

Sympathy and support, however you decide to handle it!
varina8
Nov. 8th, 2012 09:17 pm (UTC)
Forgive me if we've had this conversation before but did you get a light for dealing with the seasonal change? You do seem to react strongly to the lower light at this time of year.
webcowgirl
Nov. 9th, 2012 08:28 am (UTC)
Given that I only started having these problems after Jason moved out, I'm not seeing the correlation between seasonal light changes and mood. 4 years in the UK and no crash until after he moved out. 10 years in Seattle and nothing. I do not believe I have sad. This is, once again, a problem caused by a person.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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