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Health check = fail

Well, doing the breakup thing again with Richard (I'm not doing poly so if he is then I need to bail for anti-stress reasons) didn't do me any immediate good, as this morning I woke up 1) 2 hours early 2) itching like hell 3) swollen up so much my rings were leaving marks on my fingers. Wahoo. There's a reason why I said last year that poly does not work for me, and now that a teaspoon full of stress gives me welts and a cupful wrecks my body, I have a much more visible reminder that poly = stress = me being fucked up (mentally and physically). My emotions need to be nice and level and poly seems to really go for a world in which they are way more ups and downs than I have the capacity to handle, plus too many breakups and too many other people with their own crazy shit being added into the mix when frankly just two is kinda more than enough. Maybe it's different for those young folk or people with naturally sanguine temperaments. I can't do it anymore. I probably should have made that more clear to him back in September. Still, it was a lovely autumn and lots of fun and he was wonderful taking care of me since I've been sick. But I didn't want to stay in the middle of what was about to become a thing, and so we exchanged Christmas presents and it was a wee bit sad but with my body saying I CAN ALREADY FEEL THE STRESS LEVELS RISING GET THE FUCK AWAY IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE it was pretty easy to give each other affectionate kisses and walk away. And then my body promptly took a shit on me. I can't say I wasn't warned.

So I'm taking a break, not just from him (I'm open to dating monogamously at some point in the future) but from dating in general, because I need things to be very level and flat and mellow. I am probably going to have to cut a lot of things out, actually, because ... well, it's six weeks on now, I am still getting hives regularly, and that probably means I've developed a case that's going to last for a while. And what's wonderful and magic about this thing that I have is that I'm exhausted all of the time. I can sit and be quiet and I'm pretty much okay, but more than 15 minutes of just gentle walking and I'm flattened. I was hoping to take tap dancing in January but I don't think that's realistic right now, and I don't think I can go back to ceilidh dancing either. So it's going to be evenings involving more movies and more board games, and more being kind of quiet, but not sitting around the house by myself because that can make me depressed. So do some people want to have me over for stuff like this the next two months? I want to keep from feeling isolated but my acceptable activity types are pretty limited, and I'd like to see about keeping things planned not too far in advance because I need to be able to just go home and lie down if I can't manage. So if you're up for maybe getting a call a day before or night of for something quietish that I can get home from no later than ten, let me know.

I've also said that I'm not going to buy any more theater tickets for the new year until I get better. I know I'll see some shows, but I'm going to do more buying on the day of so I can not have to go out because I've spent money when in fact I'm too tired to be doing things. I am planning on seeing a bunch of things at the flamenco festival at Sadler's Wells in March (I can be optimistic!) but for January no more plans more than two days in advance (er, after the first week, when I'm going to a panto and to a ballet). And I really hope I come back from nearly ten days of trying to do not too much with my uncle and bondagewoodelf and I have better energy levels. I hate feeling like this, and I hate having people tell me to rest up "and get better" as if it makes any difference. "Take it easy on yourself" is probably the most digestible advice and doesn't make me want to cry because all the resting in the world won't make tomorrow any more energy-filled than today.

Anyway, I went back to the doctor for the seventh time today, and now I have a reco to the dermatologist, which might mean I see them in two weeks and might mean I see them in two or three months. I don't know. In the meantime, it's antihistamines and not much else. Oh, but I took my blood pressure this morning and it was 126/77, the lowest it's been in ages!

What else. Oh yes, I went back to my old company (Il Postino) and had Christmas lunch with my old crew on Wednesday and it was just wonderful and I felt really loved up and missed and happy (and was sent home with a mug and glass) - and felt like I'd left the company just in time. And I wrote a little short story about the Mayan end of the universe and how my company was responsible for it and it was retweeted by Rudy Rucker and THAT made me happy when I woke up this morning.

Next stop: Christmas team trip to the Hobbit, because I want to be the best boss ever. And I want to see the Hobbit.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
dreamsewing
Dec. 21st, 2012 12:45 pm (UTC)
So sad the hives are chronic, what a crap warning system! BTW- did you see my invite for supper January? Also,any interest in seeing Alice at Sadlers in March w/myself, Mr. G and some other random folks? will be booking tix week after next as soon as they are released...
webcowgirl
Dec. 21st, 2012 01:40 pm (UTC)
Yes, I did and said yes, did that not come through?

You mean Alice at ROH, right? I said yes and gave some dates I could be available. It would be fun to go!
thewronghands
Dec. 21st, 2012 07:56 pm (UTC)
Poly is really not for everyone, I agree. (I stick with it despite the stress, but I can see how it's a perfectly rational decision not to find that the balance tilts that way!) So I'm sorry that your body has such an abrupt way of letting you know, but I am glad that you do know what works for you and what doesn't and are making the right decisions to preserve your health.

In the unlikely event that I end up near you, I'd be delighted to have tea or something quiet. Friendships don't have to be all action all the time.
nitoda
Dec. 21st, 2012 09:41 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear about continuing health issues caused by stress and that you won't be able to come back to the ceilidh dancing. I think your plans to cut back on the theatre trips planned in advance sound very sensible though and hope you will be able to balance the need for company and the need for being quiet and not stressed. I think I'm lucky in being an introvert and also in sharing a house with loved ones though - it means I am happy to spend most of my time at home and socialising maybe once or twice a week with others.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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