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That was shocking

I actually just had a really good night at home alone.

I did have a couple of phone calls, but I also got a letter from my sister offering to come and take care of me if I needed her (and I might) as well as an invite to see a show that's opening tomorrow at the National - a free ticket for press night! I also got some really nice messages of support from people I've never even met that I follow on Twitter - "Your health has been tricky, you've been under such stress and yet you never give up. I really admire that. :)" Man, that just really, really helps, to get some acknowledgment about how damned hard things have been and that someone actually even thinks I haven't given up, which I hadn't realized.

But, I guess, if you think about it, I haven't. I am trying to get healthy, every damned day. I am trying to push myself just a little, to see even a step forward on any given day, or, if that's not working, to think about a week and try to make just that one step over a week. I am trying to do the right things in my personal life to make me healthy and to make a good life, not just for now but for the long term. I'm still trying to do a good job at work, even a great job (not that I can be amazing but I am really trying to make things there good), despite the fact that a lot of days the last couple of weeks I have just been shocked that I've managed to make it to the end of the day and not just leave and go home because I couldn't physically hack sitting upright in a chair.

Who knows. Maybe this week I will make it to 5 PM every day at work and not keel over at 1, or at 3. And I am going to go to three shows, goddammit, Monday and Tuesday and Friday. And I will sit at work on my lunch hour and conserve my energy so I can make it to the end of the night and not let the people down I made those plans with. And, well, if nothing else, I will really fucking try, even knowing I might not make it to the end of the night any of those nights. Because I have not given up.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
varina8
Jan. 28th, 2013 04:37 am (UTC)
Hang in there!

webcowgirl
Jan. 28th, 2013 11:49 pm (UTC)
Thank you. My God this has been a struggle.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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