Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維 (webcowgirl) wrote,
Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維

Goodbye Eliza

It was the last of my NHS-paid counseling sessions today. I got this:

1. She thinks I may have a problem with picking the wrong friends.
2. I have a large unhealed wound in my psyche from having those three friends drop me simultaneously back when I lived in Seattle. This causes me to think I am not really worth being friends with, and possibly to make friends with people I ought to avoid.
3. If I change who I am, this may fix the "wound."
4. Some of the people I am friends with may no longer want to be friends with me if I fix my gaping insecurity issue (or whatever the "wound" is made of).
5. If I experience as much drama as I do with the "friends" that I have, what does that say? Both sides must be doing something to make this happen ... the thought being perhaps I attract people who like (and then attack me through) my vulnerability.
6. Why do I want external approval so much?
7. I seem to have problems dealing with people in groups, and should consider group therapy as a way of dealing with this.

I actually squeezed a few tears out talking about the big Seattle blow off. She's sure right that that wound hasn't healed. She spent some time validating me as to what a good person I am (how I'm big hearted etc.) then asked me how the sessions had gone for me. I said I had some questions I'd wanted to get answered i.e. trying to learn about how I'm misleading myself or where I'm missing obvious things about, you know, my life and how I'm living it, but that I feel like I'd approached the sessions wrong to make this happen. I said it had been a turbulent summer and thanks for "coming along for the ride;" that I was sorry she hadn't given me the answers about what to do for the next 40 years of my life, but I never expected that she would, I just wanted to know and "wherefore art thou, Omniscience;" and that I was certainly in a better state now than I was when it all started.

What I didn't say was how I'd generally found it all to be a profound waste of time, and her absolutely the wrong kind of counselor for me. I get more out of talking to mabel_morgan and eglantinedreams than I have out of any of the sessions talking to her: far more insightful comments and things to really chew on, little bits of calcite to peer through and see myself and my life just differently enough for it to really matter. And those are just two people of the many that help. For all that she sees me making mistakes in who I make friends with, I feel like I have made some really great choices and am surrounded with lots of wonderful people. I just need to see more of them. And I need to be more careful about who I befriend; the pattern of befriending people who are friendless should probably stop as it's one that leads to a lot of grief for me.

I bid goodbye and told her I hoped whoever took over my slot was an enjoyable client. I wonder if she could tell how very much I was lying through my teeth as I said goodbye?
Tags: ask eliza
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