I've still been up and down like a roller coaster, though. I'm suffering from a lot of Things In My Life That Aren't Right, some of which are going to take a long time both to undo and then to patch the damage left behind. My current focus is Christmas; this does look solidly to be the worst one on record, but the amount of money I'd need to spend to make it otherwise is prohibitive. I just want to stay in the country, not break the bank, and be with people I love who love me. I don't even like Christmas all that much; it has always been an emotionally trying time and God knows I don't believe in the "reason for the season."
Times like these make me realize how easy it is to become an alcoholic. Really, why not just drink enough that you can't even remember what day it is, much less care? I keep thinking this was the kind of thing that got my mom started and eventually broke her. Me, I feel like looking into the long future, I don't really have anything to look forward to: the closest thing I've got is some project I'm doing at work. Now, how sad is that, for the sum total of your hopes an dreams being "and I'd really like to see this work thing happen?" It's just pathetic. And that's how I feel, pathetic, bottomed out, not seeing a tunnel but a well with a lid on top. I've been crying a lot, I'm not able to trick myself into cheering up, and wechsler is limited in the support he can provide (if at least sympathetic).
This post is brought to you by Keeping It Real and What Goes Up Must Come Down But It Doesn't Seem To Work In Reverse.