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Scraping along in the gutter

I was thinking about it last night and I can't deny it, my head is in a bad place right now. The last two years have just cooked my brain and I'm not seeing myself making it to the other side any time soon, probably at least not for a year. I've totally lost my ability to absorb slights with the indifference that comes from a strong core of self-love; I've spent so long defending myself from direct personal attacks (not imaginary ones) and being unable to get away from them that I have no perspective on actions directed toward me or merely touching me by accident. I'm incredibly beaten down (being told you're selfish and heartless will do this) and all of the feelings of self-hatred I've ever had are in bright relief right now; every time someone turns their back on me, I can't help but think that I deserve it because I'm just not a worthy human being.

I probably have an utter lack of perspective on myself. What I do feel is isolated and lonely. I push myself to go out and be around people, but minutes after they leave I feel the blues just coming right back. I've been crying a lot again and worrying that I'm going to wind up long term sick in the hospital with nurses who don't really care about me and nobody to look out for me. This will happen because people are busy and have lives of their own, and without partners or family I have no one who owes me this debt of care or feels this sense of intense obligation (love) toward me. And that's me now, no partner and no family.

I miss feeling secure. I miss feeling balanced. I don't like freaking out because I'm listening to a coworker talk with dealing with nurses who aren't taking correct care of her dying father. It's painful to not even feel like I have any skin at all between me and the world. And even though I feel better than I did two weeks ago, what I see is a long, long trudge ahead of me, and it's hard to have that inner drive that things will be better again encouraging me, because I do believe things are going to continue to be like this for a long time.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 15th, 2010 05:06 pm (UTC)
Honey, I am so sorry you are feeling like this, but these are all classic symptoms of clinical depression. Please please please see a health care professional. Please.
Nov. 15th, 2010 11:13 pm (UTC)
The last one was SO useless. She pronounced me cured! And I don't know if this is "clinical" rather than "situational."
Nov. 16th, 2010 10:18 am (UTC)
Even with situational it can help. But all you've been through is going to take awhile to recover from. There are many different therapy styles it's just a question of finding the right one for you. Maybe you'd like cbt
Nov. 15th, 2010 05:09 pm (UTC)
And I truly believe that if you want to you will find a long term partner, because you are clever, erudite, warm, witty, sexy, beautiful, an original thinker and a great cook - in no particular order. But that feeling that you cannot bear ever to be alone - it worries me and does not seem healthy. Please get professional help.
Nov. 15th, 2010 11:09 pm (UTC)
Seconded. I know you weren't impressed by the previous counsellor (and it seems, with pretty good reason), but I don't think you should give up on getting help. The not wanting to be alone thing worries me too - partly because looking back on my own life so far, I think my own enjoyment of being on my own has, ironically, made me better company for others. But mainly of course because we all have to spend time on our own sometimes, and it can be such a wonderful opportunity for chilling out and focusing on our own needs. It would be wonderful if you could enjoy it too rather than fear it.
Nov. 15th, 2010 11:18 pm (UTC)
I am an extreme extrovert and my whole life I have tended to shut down when I am by myself. My brother (who didn't grow up with me at all) is the same way. But if I'm not feeling down I'm fine with reading or whatever - occasionally. But since April I've been living by myself for the first time in 18 years and it really, really makes me unhappy, not to mention the situation leading to me living by myself, which I'm prone to reflect upon at great length when by myself. Ambient human noise is really nice. Eating with people is nice. Coming home after work night after night to eat a meal by myself and sit by myself is really, really bad. It tends to feel like the just punishment for my sins.

But yeah, the last counselor was crap. I wish someone knew the right counselor, somewhere. I should probably try the "other" one at my clinic but I'm convinced she's also going to be a total waste of time.
Nov. 15th, 2010 11:31 pm (UTC)
I just finished emailing you then got the notification of your comment here. Crossing in the virtual post!
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )


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