Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維 (webcowgirl) wrote,
Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維

Scraping along in the gutter

I was thinking about it last night and I can't deny it, my head is in a bad place right now. The last two years have just cooked my brain and I'm not seeing myself making it to the other side any time soon, probably at least not for a year. I've totally lost my ability to absorb slights with the indifference that comes from a strong core of self-love; I've spent so long defending myself from direct personal attacks (not imaginary ones) and being unable to get away from them that I have no perspective on actions directed toward me or merely touching me by accident. I'm incredibly beaten down (being told you're selfish and heartless will do this) and all of the feelings of self-hatred I've ever had are in bright relief right now; every time someone turns their back on me, I can't help but think that I deserve it because I'm just not a worthy human being.

I probably have an utter lack of perspective on myself. What I do feel is isolated and lonely. I push myself to go out and be around people, but minutes after they leave I feel the blues just coming right back. I've been crying a lot again and worrying that I'm going to wind up long term sick in the hospital with nurses who don't really care about me and nobody to look out for me. This will happen because people are busy and have lives of their own, and without partners or family I have no one who owes me this debt of care or feels this sense of intense obligation (love) toward me. And that's me now, no partner and no family.

I miss feeling secure. I miss feeling balanced. I don't like freaking out because I'm listening to a coworker talk with dealing with nurses who aren't taking correct care of her dying father. It's painful to not even feel like I have any skin at all between me and the world. And even though I feel better than I did two weeks ago, what I see is a long, long trudge ahead of me, and it's hard to have that inner drive that things will be better again encouraging me, because I do believe things are going to continue to be like this for a long time.
Tags: bad of the brane

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