I probably have an utter lack of perspective on myself. What I do feel is isolated and lonely. I push myself to go out and be around people, but minutes after they leave I feel the blues just coming right back. I've been crying a lot again and worrying that I'm going to wind up long term sick in the hospital with nurses who don't really care about me and nobody to look out for me. This will happen because people are busy and have lives of their own, and without partners or family I have no one who owes me this debt of care or feels this sense of intense obligation (love) toward me. And that's me now, no partner and no family.
I miss feeling secure. I miss feeling balanced. I don't like freaking out because I'm listening to a coworker talk with dealing with nurses who aren't taking correct care of her dying father. It's painful to not even feel like I have any skin at all between me and the world. And even though I feel better than I did two weeks ago, what I see is a long, long trudge ahead of me, and it's hard to have that inner drive that things will be better again encouraging me, because I do believe things are going to continue to be like this for a long time.