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Shutting down the LJ

So I've been seriously thinking about shutting down this journal for the last two days. Unfortunately it still helps me keep in touch with some people I wouldn't manage to hear from otherwise, so I'm waffling.

What I do think (more than half a bottle of red wine down my gullet later) is that I have enough shit going on in my life without people trying to cause me more trouble than I've already got to deal with. Passive aggressive online shaming is such bullshit, especially when it's in response to me CLEARLY stating my own opinion and experience of life OPENLY AND HONESTLY.

Seriously, folks, stand up for your feelings, don't point your fingers and say SHE IS TEH EVIL while I'm at the bar grabbing a drink but then not have the balls to say that's how you feel when I come back to the table. The difference here is that I, you know, STAND UP FOR HOW I FEEL. I ain't stickin' it under no fakey nicey liar bushel basket. Y'all got telephones and email and FACES and MOUTHS and you can talk to me about how you feel without it having to be here all public like if you're not comfy with that.

There's a lot of people out there in internet land who are lacking some backbones. It's sad.

Anyway, I gotta focus on getting my own shit sorted out. Basically I've got two big problems that I need to deal with but I don't wanna do nothing about them until after Christmas, and I don't want to have any people trying to stir shit up in my life when I've already got more than enough on my plate, thank you.

And once again thanks to all of the people who are doing their best to make me NOT feel isolated and alone and "it's me against the world" because there is no doubt that when I'm feeling trapped like that, gnawing my arm off starts to seem like an entirely reasonable option if it happens to be the only one I can come up with. And I do get very squirrely when I feel trapped.

In OTHER news I had a wonderful time seeing lovelybug for brunch today, was thrilled to have theta_g join me to see Ballet de Rua at the Peacock Theater in the afternoon, and then spoiled and loved at booklectic's, where she and dr_d treated me like an absolute hero for just making dinner (and we're talking about me pulling some crap together out of what I could buy at Iceland, so I was not really making anything gourmet happen). Then K and I sat on the couch and watched 42nd Street and I felt sane for the first time in 24 hours and I laughed a lot and it was great. I just need to remember what it feels like to be accepted and loved and safe and hold onto that feeling to get me through the other times. We all know we're not perfect, right? But it's knowing that people can love us despite our imperfections that lets you truly feel like you can move in the world as a whole human being, one who must make mistakes but can be brave enough to just keep trying in that bold improvisation that is life.

Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
booklectic
Nov. 21st, 2010 07:46 am (UTC)
It was lovely to see you.

I reiterate my advice: don't shut down your LJ, do set up a filter for talking about stuff. Ask who wants to be on it, just post to that when discussing personal things, and then further drama will be minimised, which is what you want.

See you soon for pancakes!
ergotia
Nov. 21st, 2010 10:55 am (UTC)

Extremely sound advice.
thewronghands
Nov. 21st, 2010 08:14 am (UTC)
I'll miss you if you go -- I use LJ a lot and barely touch Twitter or other social networking sites. (I try, but I just have not found the same interest or depth of thought anywhere else.) But I understand that Internet drama can get to be a bit much.
badgermind
Nov. 21st, 2010 09:52 am (UTC)
I agree with booklectic above! Looking forward to seeing you again!
ergotia
Nov. 21st, 2010 05:04 pm (UTC)
I checked back on LJ for two weeks and did not find anything I thought excessively ranty or abusive of anyone in your posts. Increasingly they have been about you feeling bad and asking for help. If people have defriended you because of that it is diffcult to see in what sense they are friends, so you are well rid of them.
webcowgirl
Nov. 22nd, 2010 11:29 am (UTC)
Blog archaeology
Thank you so much for this. I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out where these claims have been coming from and not seeing anything other than my own misery writ large. You may not realize this but this comment has really helped settle my brain and I appreciate it loads.
ergotia
Nov. 22nd, 2010 06:28 pm (UTC)
Re: Blog archaeology
I would guess that your post of 14 Nov was probably too intense/personal for some people, but nevertheless it reads to me like someone saying "Help! I'm hurting" rather than someone saying "Please all put a hex on X", if you know what I mean.
lilithmagna
Nov. 21st, 2010 09:28 pm (UTC)
Yeah, if you go about 1/7 of my friends list goes. And I so can't survive Twitter. Sorry I don't always post but I do read.
webcowgirl
Nov. 22nd, 2010 11:35 am (UTC)
Awww! I think Im a whingy old sorry-for-myself pants but thank you for saying this.
beluosus
Nov. 22nd, 2010 01:37 pm (UTC)
Please don't stop posting. I'm a rubbish commenter, but I do always ready what you're up to.

I am constitutionally incapable of Twittering, and Facebook doesn't even show me my own updates half the time, so who knows how much I've missed of yours on there.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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