Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維 (webcowgirl) wrote,
Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維

Shutting down the LJ

So I've been seriously thinking about shutting down this journal for the last two days. Unfortunately it still helps me keep in touch with some people I wouldn't manage to hear from otherwise, so I'm waffling.

What I do think (more than half a bottle of red wine down my gullet later) is that I have enough shit going on in my life without people trying to cause me more trouble than I've already got to deal with. Passive aggressive online shaming is such bullshit, especially when it's in response to me CLEARLY stating my own opinion and experience of life OPENLY AND HONESTLY.

Seriously, folks, stand up for your feelings, don't point your fingers and say SHE IS TEH EVIL while I'm at the bar grabbing a drink but then not have the balls to say that's how you feel when I come back to the table. The difference here is that I, you know, STAND UP FOR HOW I FEEL. I ain't stickin' it under no fakey nicey liar bushel basket. Y'all got telephones and email and FACES and MOUTHS and you can talk to me about how you feel without it having to be here all public like if you're not comfy with that.

There's a lot of people out there in internet land who are lacking some backbones. It's sad.

Anyway, I gotta focus on getting my own shit sorted out. Basically I've got two big problems that I need to deal with but I don't wanna do nothing about them until after Christmas, and I don't want to have any people trying to stir shit up in my life when I've already got more than enough on my plate, thank you.

And once again thanks to all of the people who are doing their best to make me NOT feel isolated and alone and "it's me against the world" because there is no doubt that when I'm feeling trapped like that, gnawing my arm off starts to seem like an entirely reasonable option if it happens to be the only one I can come up with. And I do get very squirrely when I feel trapped.

In OTHER news I had a wonderful time seeing lovelybug for brunch today, was thrilled to have theta_g join me to see Ballet de Rua at the Peacock Theater in the afternoon, and then spoiled and loved at booklectic's, where she and dr_d treated me like an absolute hero for just making dinner (and we're talking about me pulling some crap together out of what I could buy at Iceland, so I was not really making anything gourmet happen). Then K and I sat on the couch and watched 42nd Street and I felt sane for the first time in 24 hours and I laughed a lot and it was great. I just need to remember what it feels like to be accepted and loved and safe and hold onto that feeling to get me through the other times. We all know we're not perfect, right? But it's knowing that people can love us despite our imperfections that lets you truly feel like you can move in the world as a whole human being, one who must make mistakes but can be brave enough to just keep trying in that bold improvisation that is life.
Tags: bad of the brane

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