Counseling today focused on this "rate each of these statements 1-7 "this isn't like me at all" "this perfectly describes me" " worksheet I filled out. It had about 7 or so questions on each of the different schemas. He focused on the high ones - obviously I feel like I'm socially ostracized (and not because I just feel it, you can't pretend it's in your head when people are going around talking about how they don't want anything to do with you, whatever their reasons are), but I also suffer from the emotional deprivation. However, he was curious because I didn't say I feel like I'm unlovable by anyone who really knows me. I know I'm not: I know at least one person who knows me to the bone and loves me, and one who almost does. I know one of my friends has said in talking about zir depression that zee believed that anyone who said they loved zir had just been fooled by zir. But I know that's not true. That said, I still feel essentially worthless, and doubt that I will have any partner in my life at all this time next year, and think it's quite likely that I won't find someone else who loves me wholeheartedly like that again.
Then we talked about some upcoming changes, and about why I would feel hurt to have Mr Webcowboy say that living with me would be a step backwards in his life. Perhaps, the counselor suggested, I have always been expecting him to leave me, and this just confirms my inner belief that I'm unlovable ... and that's why it hurt so much to feel rejected by him? Who knows.
He also asked me if I thought the sessions were going well, and what I thought he was getting out of them. I guess maybe this is because I feel that people will betray me. Well, I don't think he will, and he has a good rapport with me, and I think he takes pride in his work and wants to leave me better than when he started seeing me. Hopefully he felt reassured. At any rate, the night went quickly, and it's already 11 now that I've written this up and I'm going to bed.