January 6th, 2006

ActionFigure

Joni Mitchell, moving, and nightmares

I wound up explaining some of the things that make me get all weird last night, specifically things having to do with growing up poor. All of this talk about my childhood and having to compensate/go into camoflage mode (I'm not poor/I never need favors/I am entirely self-reliant) sent me to nightmare land, a nightmare that started with watching a music video based on one of those Joni Mitchell songs that always makes me teary and ended with me upset because I was 1) needing to abandon my home 2) leaving my mother in the lurch and worrying about how she was going to pay the rent. I woke up and cried for a long time. I guess I still have a lot of shit to deal with - I keep a good lid on it most of the time but I think my scars must run so deep I don't even know where they start, much less where they end.

If you don't know, my mom died five years ago, and we hadn't talked for two years before then - just to provide some context. It's not like I know how things could have gone any differently, but I do feel like I abandoned her, to some extent, no matter what the truth of the situation was.