September 16th, 2006


Mutter mutter thunk snooze

I woke up at 6:30 ... but it was 8:30, I'd already slept more in one night than I'd slept any night all week ... then fell back asleep. Then I woke up at ten, and thought, "Ooh, I'll just relax here a bit and then get up ..." and then it was 11, and I did actually stay up for more than five minutes before falling back asleep again, and look, here I am, better rested than I've been all week. I even woke up and coughed for a bit in the middle of the night, only I, er, just slept through it all other than going mumble coughing could have some syrup snork zzzzz.

babysimon told me last night that I'm really hardcore for coming to town on a Friday, basically taking three days to adjust and then going to work. Looking at it like that, I think, well, yeah, I guess it does sound kind of intense. But with the tremendous amount of money it costs to get into a flat (I think I'm looking at around $7000, though I'm pleased to say with the flat we're going to be moving in to there will be no need to run out and buy furniture ASAP so I'm not sleeping on the floor) and the assload of money it's costing us to move stuff (nice estimate is $3000) and then, er, God knows what for house fixing up costs ([Bad username: shadowdaddy,] is having to cover all expenses for the house on his own for six weeks, and then there's airplane tickets being bought, well, all I can say is I felt under a lot of pressure to make some money ASAP and not laze around. I mrean, really, everything I did, working until Tuesday, leaving on Thursday, back to work on Tueday was all about making sure my/our financial asses were covered. It's a major driving force for me, this fear of going broke, and I don't have a lot of control over my behavior when I am feeling that fear. The upshot is that I treat myself and my body and, I don't know, my sanity, like easily disposable or controllable things, like tools that I need to manage in order to accomplish something, in this case maintaining my financial solvency. In some cases there is minor tool failure, or unexpected bleedover (i.e. constant exhaustion, flurries of tears, dumping of work on other people), but my overriding mental framework crushes the dissent.

At any rate, here's hoping things will chill out as time goes on. At least I don't have to look at flats anymore, and I should be feeling better rested come Monday. I'd like to have a week where I don't miss any meetings due to misreading the calendar or just being a dummy due to lack of sleep or something.