November 16th, 2006


Everyone has different stress dreams

I was just dreaming I was back in my house. butterflake, moriae, and poh were all living there, as indeed they do now. There was my stuff everywhere - piles of it hiding on shelves I didn't know we have, paintings still on the walls, and dust, dust bunnies, dirt and filth everywhere, all the remains of things I wasn't able to take care of while I was there, the things I wished were here but shadowdaddy hadn't packed for some reason, the things that fell into the cracks that I tried to take care of while I was there. I went through and through things and still I couldn't get stuff together. There were too many things and too much stuff and no matter how much I cleaned up nothing ever looked better. All I got together was one bag of books I didn't want anymore. I found some plants I was worried about because I didn't want them to die and somehow the "secret bathroom in the secret room in the basement" had been knocked out and turned into storage space.

Ugh. Everyone has stress dreams. Now I don't dream about exams at school, I'm dreaming about not being able to get packed before I left? Just how many days did I spend in the basement trying to go through all of my stuff anyway? I'm thinking back on my calendar and I'm pretty sure I was going at it non-stop from about the weekend after I came back (the 20th of July) until the day before I left (September 6th?). Gag. I can only imagine what shadowdaddy's dreams are like.

We enjoyed The Cryptogram last night, though the child actor made Mamet's lines grating to the ears. I'm getting tired of having sandwiches for dinner because that's all we can afford. Tonight, La Traviata with ergotia and lilithmagna, but for now I'm going to jump in the shower and see if the dust of 35 years of accumulated stuff can be washed off of my psyche with mere water.

(And happy lateish birthday to splendid_geryon, my favorite part about my last six months in Seattle.)

Nothing other than a bad dream

I'm feeling stressed and unhappy today and I can't really figure out why.

Well, that's not true. I've been thinking about it and basically there are some things that are out of my control that are really getting to me. I'm still flustered by the dream I had last night, by the lack of control I had over the house and moving situation and continue to have more than two months after I left.

I think, truth be told, I'm also stressed out about being "head of the household" right now. This was all good and fine while I was living at wechsler's place, but with the apartment and a $3000 bill for moving our crap coming up (not to mention whatever it's going to cost to get it to here from, I don't know, Portsmouth?), I'm finding myself on the verge of regressing into the very bizarre habits of hoarding and stuff that I get into when I'm feeling insecure about my financial situation.

And the cafeteria upstairs has nothing but slop (and fish) to eat today, and I didn't bring anything, and the weather is crap. Maybe some Thai food will cheer me up.
Pink poodle

I'm not really cheered up yet

I would have stayed home tonight because it was crappy outside (short rainy days, yuck, November is truly the cruellest month) and ergotia wasn't well enough to go out with me as we'd planned (*sob*), and I just felt very down on myself and life all day, and I just wanted to say, "I give up, what's the point of bothering. I should spend the night on the sofa staring at the ceiling." This became a much more likely option when I found out the penalty fee for returning the tickets would only be $5 a ticket. Why bother making an effort when sweet oblivion awaited me?

But darn it, lilithmagna actually really wanted to go, and after talking to her I felt that indulging in my down mood would really be letting her down, so I dragged my sorry ass out and watched La Traviata tonight. I'm sure it was better than staying home, but I am really hard-hearted toward 19th century opera, and I hate a lot of the plot elements (wimpy heroine, people giving up doing what they really want to because of social constraints) this opera was built on. Monteverdi is much more my speed. But really, spending the night sitting between lilithmagna and shadowdaddy was a win, and neither of them thumped me when we were waiting eternally for the curtain to rise (and the music to start) for the final scene and I said in a stage whisper, "Isn't she dead yet?"

Going out is good therapy for me in general. It keeps me from focusing too much on whatever's troubling me, most of which can't really be solved by just thinking about it really hard. My relationship with my dad can't be fixed by staying home and moping, I can't cheer Jason up by staying home when he's moping, I can't make friends locked up in my house, and when I'm really moping hard I don't even have the energy to do any of the stuff I should do when I'm home (it's especially sad when I wish I could skip bathing because it's interrupting my black mood, but I do force myself as a courtesy to my officemates, and I wish I were lying when I said that's what got me in the shower many times over the last two years). I'm sure I feel a little better than I did earlier, but I would really, really like to be a little more relaxed so I could actually get to sleep!