Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維 (webcowgirl) wrote,
Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維
webcowgirl

The saddest moment of the year

It's been a year of lots of ups and downs for me - much better than last year (what with going mad from loneliness) but still with a lot of downs (job evolving into a nest of snakes, realizing that I wasn't considered partner worthy by either of the men I love) to accompany the much better tenor of the year (January through August was quite fine, eight good months to 2010's one). So overall much more up, but still lots of depression and tears in 2011. Believe it or not I've written very little about it on here - I should have done it for my own memories if nothing else but it's just never been recorded at all.

I have a highlight of the year I'll share when I can find the picture. But this is one of the lowlights, and this is the song that illustrates it, the Flaming Lips's "Do You Realize:"
(hopefully that YouTube thing will work)

I went to see the Flaming Lips with Jason this summer, a concert we'd bought tickets for nearly a year before, when we had no idea where things were going to go with us. And as this song, a song about how important it is to tell the people you love how you feel about them because we've got so little time on this planet anyway, as this song played Jason was standing in front of me with tears rolling down his cheeks, and I was pretty sure that so much of what he was crying about was me and him and me. And yet there I was, only six inches away from him, watching him cry and feel miserable but not turning to me to say to me what Wayne Coyne was urging him to do, because, as near as I could tell, he was feeling sorry and miserable about all of the love he had lost, but that where ever his love was going .... it wasn't toward me. I was crying a bit, too, but I just stood there quietly feeling broken and lonely, because there was no one there to comfort me, and I had no comfort to offer, just bad memories and a yawning sense of loss.

Roll on 2012, as they say.
Tags: flaming lips, relationships, youtube
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