October 27th, 2008


In dreams, the dead walk again, but people who've abandoned me never returned

Saturday night I had a vivid dream about my former best friend, Ann Donovan. I wanted to know why she'd stopped being friends with me. In my dream, it was because of some sort of jealousy regarding her boyfriend (Randy Pape), whom I don't recall ever having a crush on, but in my dream that was the reason. Then in my dream I was asking Randy to please, please find out why she stopped talking to me.

When I think of this today, I realize it was almost ten years ago that this happened. Why do I still have it rolling around in my head? What is it that happens at all? And why do I get so attached to people that to have them break with me like this wrecks me for years? Even five years later I've never forgiven the people that broke with me in Seattle and lied to me about what was going on, letting me stew in suspicion and loneliness and misery. And Tristan Eucker, at least a year or so after she cut me off I finally got closure from her then-boyfriend, Greg Dent, who told me it was my attraction to him that made her slice me out of both of their lives.

But then I remember the people I cut out. Michelle, who got psychotic at me about my ingratitude for things I hadn't known she'd done. Cathy, who turned on me during a wedding for making her unhappy because I was in a couple and she was not. Another person, who attacked me when I was down and made the mistake of calling what she thought was my bluff. John, who thought I should have saved him from a girl he loved and said I was a traitor when I didn't - and yet didn't feel like the upset caused by his insult (or his bizarre logic about my "fault" in the matter) was in any way his problem or a reason for me not to continue our friendship.

So perhaps this is just the way things go, that friendships die, and that the wounds I've suffered are equal to the ones I've inflicted. But I'd like to be able to make them not bother me anymore.

Have you been cut off? Do you have any friendships that ended abruptly and you still grieve over? Any ideas about how to deal with them better?
I Miss America

After the bloodbath

I went out for some drinks with colleagues today, figuring it might be my last time to see some of them. I got into an argument with someone about whether or not the US had 51 states, which persisted despite the fact that 1) I'm American and really ought to know, whereas argumenter is English and 2) I was willing to sing a song listing all 50 states to prove my point. He brandished his Blackberry at me claiming there were 51 ("Hah!"), but I actually looked at the screen and laughed at him because it wasn't there at all. They kept saying that "Hawaii 5-0" meant that Alaska was the 51st. I couldn't follow this logic very well. Of course, it's not like explaining the electoral college makes a lot of sense, either.

Then the guy who I like a lot who's getting laid off noted he was going home to eat a can of soup (versus the paella I was making, which was great, thanks, and is going really well with the big bottle of Spanish wine we're polishing off right now), and when I explained why I probably couldn't set him up with any of my single friends, I got accused of living an episode of Jerry Springer (which might be true). Richard (not being laid off) wants to watch me pop someone in the nose, while Danielle (also not being laid off) explained to me why I don't really want to say I've ever worn "khaki pants," which apparently implies some sort of disorder of the lower digestive system when translated from American pronunciation into English slang.

Ah, English pub culture - I should probably enjoy it more frequently. Or maybe it should enjoy me more. God only knows there was a big hole in the evening that could have nicely been filled with a rendition of "Fifty Nifty United States."