November 2nd, 2010

Sea dragon

End of trip to Inverness

It's the end of the trip to Inverness. It's been really busy. We did a nearly 3 hour walk along the Ness River and Caledonian canal yesterday; we saw the Mugenkyo taiko drummers Sunday night; we did a cruise of Loch Ness (a short one only) and explored Urquhardt castle; we did the fun steam train (the Strathspey railway) on Saturday. Our evenings have been spent in the good company of noirem and her honey C; they've spoiled us with good food and wine and we've taught each other games (Zombie Fluxx and Phase 10 got a lot of use). I got to make tacos for them last night and had C's fantastic grasshopper pie; their kittens finally came out to play with us. The weather has been generally good, and the autumn colors of the hills have been lovely.

I've still been up and down like a roller coaster, though. I'm suffering from a lot of Things In My Life That Aren't Right, some of which are going to take a long time both to undo and then to patch the damage left behind. My current focus is Christmas; this does look solidly to be the worst one on record, but the amount of money I'd need to spend to make it otherwise is prohibitive. I just want to stay in the country, not break the bank, and be with people I love who love me. I don't even like Christmas all that much; it has always been an emotionally trying time and God knows I don't believe in the "reason for the season."

Times like these make me realize how easy it is to become an alcoholic. Really, why not just drink enough that you can't even remember what day it is, much less care? I keep thinking this was the kind of thing that got my mom started and eventually broke her. Me, I feel like looking into the long future, I don't really have anything to look forward to: the closest thing I've got is some project I'm doing at work. Now, how sad is that, for the sum total of your hopes an dreams being "and I'd really like to see this work thing happen?" It's just pathetic. And that's how I feel, pathetic, bottomed out, not seeing a tunnel but a well with a lid on top. I've been crying a lot, I'm not able to trick myself into cheering up, and wechsler is limited in the support he can provide (if at least sympathetic).

This post is brought to you by Keeping It Real and What Goes Up Must Come Down But It Doesn't Seem To Work In Reverse.
Sea dragon

Bitter old me

I realize I'm just bitter, but seeing the people lining up to hang out with shadowdaddy while he's in Seattle makes me wonder why I ever think I'd want to go back. God knows none of these people would make the time for me, or did make the time for me, when I went back. And I even used the same medium to get in touch with people. Maybe he just smells better than me. I should just sell the house and call that done, too.

Of course I'm grateful for the brilliant people I did get to see but some of those names really stick in my craw, especially the ones that wouldn't have ever have even known J if it wasn't for me. CRUSH ME BENEATH YOUR FEET, PEOPLE. I take comfort in the fact that like dog poo I will stick to your shoes.

Also I'm feeling less down than I have been over the last week but it's really easy for me to get in the headspace that Seattle made for me, that I am worthless (i.e. look at proof of people not wanting to be friends with me) but I'm trying to distract myself with Mary Poppins and red wine.