November 14th, 2010

Sea dragon

How quickly the present moves

It's so odd to look at the picture of Jason on Facebook and feel like he's already a stranger to me.

I hate that I'm jealous that so many more people wanted to see him when he came to Seattle than wanted to see me. Probably part of the reason that this happened is because I'm the kind of person that gets upset at things like this, and the fact that he's the kind of person that doesn't notice things like that makes him the kind of person people want to be around more than they do me. But it still makes me crazy. Being ignored, being disliked, being slighted, feeling abandoned, feeling betrayed, these things all prick me like needles when they don't prick me like sharp knives going between my ribs. I can spend my life being loyal, standing up to any kind of abused dished out to me, being a person who always sticks to her word, being as kind and generous and focused on enabling the happiness of others as I can and yet none of this will earn me friends or even respect. Sometimes it's actively earned me the hatred of others. And some people can see that these things are true and still find me easily hated.

Just appearing to be nice is so much more likable.

Being someone who will actually come through when people need you, no matter what the cost is personally (or socially), this doesn't matter. Strength of character and convictions, the ability to withstand any kind of social pressure to do the thing you know is right, these things are nothing compared to creating the appearance of likability.

Oh yeah, and complaining about this stuff, it's just absolutely something that makes people hate you. Nobody likes a trouble maker. And I gotta stand up for that, I am a trouble maker, I do call bullshit. I could tell right away when things had changed within J, and I said so, and he was angry at me, but two years later it's clear I was right, and the mistakes I made after that really all came down to misplaced loyalty, or just not realizing that the problems I saw weren't temporary.

But even my relatives like him more than me. Friends I've known for a decade prefer him to me. If I'm going to be so unlikable, can I at least have some spark of genius, some drive that pushes me so that I can have something I can really be proud of and that can absorb my attention wholly?
Sea dragon

Nanowrimo (Vanity Fair) update 8

And with that, I've finished Vanity Fair - truly a great work of literature. Thanks for the hot tip, robot_mel.

Riding rather a big bummer today. Had to pry myself off the couch despite having made plans to meet up with someone at the Hayward. The dance exhibit was fun and I'm glad I went; I may go back again. Afterward babysimon met me at the coffee shop and we went to see La Soiree, a circusy-type event happening behind the National Theater in a sort of tent. It was fun and I had a bit to drink (on an empty stomach). When it was done, we headed back to Tooting and had dinner at Mirch Masala. It was good to eat with him; it makes me sad to think of all the nights I come home and look at all of the lovely little restaurants full of people, knowing if I ate in one of them it would be by myself. What's the point, really.

Tried to watch David Attenborough but my computer is showing it just too slowly. I'm going to call it a night. My big question will now be: William S Gibson or Nancy Mitford. It's a hard choice.