February 24th, 2011


I try not to feel it

The social ostracism thing is flaring up again. It was weird talking about it with the counsellor, but I think this is something that bothers me more than it does most people, in part because it's been going on for such a long part of my life. It's not helped by the fact that I have this inner voice saying, "You're worthless. Of course people don't want you at their social gatherings. Who would?" At my best it only dings my armor a bit; but it is a voice and a theme with a powerful hold over me. It's one of the reasons I moved here, to find people who can accept me the way I am. And I've realized there are those people who can truly accept me as the non-perfect human being that I am, but the ear for the negative voice listens like rabbits tuned to predators and the negative messages have way more powerful receptors than the positive.

I've got positive, though. I've got a cards party tomorrow, and birthday drinks Saturday. I've got a big fun trip planned to Sicily with people who are excited to spend time with me that should leave me glowing and cheery all the way until my birthday. I think I need to find something social to do Sunday night, though, to keep my spirits up. Spending time by myself does really cook my brain, and there's no doubt in October of last year that I was really suffering from severe isolation related issues. Part of the New Year's goal to "be happy" is to recognize this is something that affects me and just deal with it - not fix it, but manage it, by trying to be around people and keep my spirits up. Changing me is a long process; more short-term happiness makes it easier to do, I think.