April 19th, 2011

Sea dragon

Book meme day 7

7. What fictional character are you (secretly) in love with? My earliest book crush was on Calvin from a Wrinkle in Time. It's been so long since I read it - over 20 years now and possibly 30 - that I can't remember too much from it, but I remember how supportive and kind he was toward her. I was going to name my son after him if I ever had one (even then knowing I wasn't planning on having kids, but always fun to do the name game). These days I tend to have a crush on Vampire Bill from the Sookie Stackhouse books, even though he's supposed to be mean to her - though it's only stuff you hear about and never what you see. You see him being loving and devoted and always being there when she needs him. That's a good boyfriend. Pity about him being dead. It's been so long now I should probably go back and re-read A Wrinkle in Time again, I think I'd enjoy it.
Sea dragon

Reviews - basically, theater with blindfolds on

In the last two weeks I had three theatrical experience where my sight was severely restrained, either through darkness, the use of goggles, or a blindfold. I thought it was worth writing them all up at once to compare them. The shows were: "Sunday Morning at the Center of the World" (which is apparently Earlsfield) at the Southwark Playhouse; and "Rotating in a Room of Images" and "And the Birds Fell from the Sky" at the One to One Festival. I also threw in a mention of the London Snorkeling Team because their "radio play," "The Island," was thematically similar to "Sunday Morning" (except "Sunday Morning" had smellovision and wasn't designed for people wearing blindfolds).
Tiger monkey

Schema therapy the thirteenth

Last night's session was almost entirely about the big fail at the party last Saturday. Why did I freak out so badly I had to leave less than an hour after I got there? The counselor had me try to remember a time when I felt that trapped, rat in a cage over a grill feeling before ... and I came up with the time my mother's boyfriend was telling me off as he was driving me home from school (in high school, after drama club) and I tried to leap out of the car to get away from him. And, actually, I realized, a lot of that year was like that - my mother was angry at me all the time because I was getting in the way of her and her boyfriend. Specifically, he'd told her that my living with her was why they weren't living together, so she was insanely hostile to me for no reason I could understand. I got good grades at school, I tried to do what she wanted me to, but nothing made her happy and she was always snapping at me.

Then the counsellor did an exercise where he acted as if he were speaking to my mother, asking her why she wasn't being supportive of me in school, why she wasn't trying to be a mom to me, finally confronting her about just doing it because of George ... and I answered like my mother. "You think she's fine but you don't live with her and you don't have to put up with her crap every day. I work hard to make sure there's food on the table and a roof over her head." Etc. Finally I interrupted him and said that basically there was no talking sense to my mother at the time, and God knows I'd tried, so there wasn't going to be any movement in her position just because someone else was telling her off!

So I think the conclusion we reached is that I'm really sensitive to being around hostile people and I need to "respect the little cowgirl" and not put myself in situations where I'm likely to be dealing with people who feel that way about me. This is probably going to mean I avoid any parties featuring the people who've publicly spoken out against me ... all of whom have never actually had me do anything to them personally but just, I don't know, feel empowered somehow to treat me like shit. I feel really bad and weak that they've won the war and chased me out of social gatherings of my friends here, but I guess I just have to respect my limits and think a little harder about just how much I can handle rather than thinking that just because I'm having a good day or a good week doesn't mean I'm not just going to crumple again. And I don't want to be the kind of person who says, "If X or Y is at your party I'm not going to go," but, well, I'm afraid that I'd rather not spend the night crying at my house and feeling like a loser. I'll probably lie to people about why I'm not going or say I'm going to and then make alternate plans ... but mostly I need to make sure I'm not exposing myself to these kinds of situations. It's much better for my head.

At any rate, my current plan is to stick to just the next two meetings with the counsellor and call myself done, even though this session was particularly useful.