October 19th, 2011


October madness

Once again I am sinking in pit of downness, and the same things are causing it as last year: public rejection by friends; the humiliating reminder that my husband is universally preferred to me (even by my family!); my wrenching unsuitedness to living alone. Now in addtition to the "you're a flawed human that no one would really be friends with" I've got the additional self-worth destroyer of TWO men I dearly love who only want me as a friend, and, as a middle-aged woman who looks in the mirror and sees years and unhappiness bearing her looks away (plus seriously I'm too down and damaged to really be an attractive partner), I see the possibility of spending the rest of my life alone. And it's all crushing.

This has unsurprisingly led to my bottom of the barrel scraping "what can I do about this" and making me feel like maybe moving back might be an option. I thought I moved here to be part of a great circle of friends, but 5 years later Celine's evil prophecy has come true and the people here "are tired of my shit" and Jason, who didn't even want to be here, has turned out to be the winner in the "which side of the dysfunctional couple are you going to take" sweepstakes. He comes out of it with a girlfriend of a year's standing and a visa; I come out of it with the feeling I'm a fucked up human being. I've spent my whole life being an outsider, not being worthy of being someone's best friend, and it all just re-establishes itself where ever I am. Even the cat won't sleep with me.

I'm sitting at work and crying at my desk. How did I ever come out such a broken human being? How can I look at this much rejection and say it's not because of me being essentially messed up? I don't even see the point of discussing it with anyone who's upset me because they made their choices for their reasons and it's really just too bad for me if it hurts me. Unfortunately it's just all proving to me that Celine and her friends got it right years ago when they cast me out (and that all of the many people who have turned their backs on me over the years were right;) when it comes to me, familiarity breeds loathing.

Bad times here , really, bad times, and I'm not seeing how to pull myself out. Last year's secret anti-depression medicine is gone with the wind, the summer's ego burst from spending a week with my best friend has completely worn off in the face of week after week of being dragged back down by my life, and I can't even look forward to work as the place where "good things happen." I knew this was going to be a rough autumn what with no J and no W but to be honest I was really hoping somehow it wouldn't go as far south as it has.