November 10th, 2011

Reading

Low levels of protective shell


I'll tell you one thing, over the last two months the things that's really fucked me up the most has been being rejected. I can't handle it at all and it reduces me to tears in seconds. The aftereffects stay with me for days and sometimes weeks and have been known to make me suicidal (I blame my complete lack of family support for this, as when I fall there is no one there to turn to at all any more). I know when I've been in generally good mental health I can just shrug it off as "sometimes people just aren't compatible with each other;" but when I'm like this, people who reject me destroy my equilibrium, and I respond with equal ferocity in order to protect my head. It's really been the number one cause of ending friendships since I moved here (and certainly was a factor back home). I think people may misunderstand that everything will be alright later: we'll just not talk about it and everything will eventually be the same again. But that's not how it works for me: if I've cut someone out, it's because they've seriously damaged the trust I once had. Can it be rebuilt? Who knows. I have to believe the person in question won't do it again. And they have to make a real effort. In reality , these appear to be impossible hurdles.

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