December 25th, 2011


It's not good cheer, but

My best friend has basically said, based on what I've had to say about the last 8 months, that she is going to spend the entire time I'm here reminding me "he's not going to get over it."

It was unwritten on LJ, but J and I spent December attempting some kind of reconciliation but both times I went for it, J made it clear that he doesn't actually want me any closer. Thus me feeling like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football Lucy keeps pulling away. And this is after asking him to move back twice earlier this year.

I'm pretty sure that my head should be settled by the time I get back, and whether Jason is willing to say he's ready to or not, I will be mentally prepared at last to get a divorce. I just don't see what else there is to do. He doesn't want to be my partner anymore, and I need to accept it, to accept what he says by his actions rather than his inability to say the words, and do what needs to be done so that I stop getting hurt by someone who can so easily tear me apart.

It's a ten day detox program. I'll be fatter when I get back. January and February are going to be hard months again. But hopefully after that there will come a time when I can find someone who accepts and loves me for who I am and wants to be my partner and be my family - and have me be a part of theirs.

Those of you who don't like to read this stuff on my blog can fuck off; you've caused enough problems and mental damage for both of us already (okay, for me, but lots of grief for J, and let me be clear I'm already dealing with enough rejection, please stop making me feel so hated and isolated I can't remember why I continue to let myself continue living - two utterly black episodes in the last year were caused by people fucking with me in this way and while I'm sure those involved could care less what impact they have on me, I think they are too kind on their own ability to damage through deliberate malice). Don't get in the middle of it; this is our lives and our business. Support is welcome for either of us but you're always better off not picking sides.