January 26th, 2012


I handle rejection poorly and pick up on it happening early. Hurray.

Realizing J was planning for a trip he'd refused to take with me, I fell asleep (or failed to for some time) thinking of all of the people who had rejected me, making it all of the way back to Seattle and Pam and Nina. Realized these thoughts were not helping me actually sleep but then my usual sleep image of having someone snuggle with me while I napped was also corrupted by a lack of good imaginary snugglers. I remember now when I was young I used to pretend it was Jesus. This image does not work any more, either, go figure.

It's depressing that both my sensitivity to seeing rejection has started as well as the deep pain I experience when people reject me means I'm likely to get and continue to be rejected. If I just wasn't bothered, then people wouldn't have to deal with my reactions of extreme hurt when it had happened and it would be easier to mend fences when, er, I hadn't been driven to thoughts of suicide by feeling like I was not worthy to be alive. So I see it happening, I panic, the bridge is set on fire, there goes another friendship. Then I'm all depressed because I miss the person in question but they've moved on to more stable people.


I got to sleep eventually. I don't know how I got my brain calmed down.

Oil painting class tonight. Sleeping on train this afternoon. Possible writeup of play I saw yesterday at some point.

Painting Venice

Today we're going to do an underpainting - a drawing - of a Venice scene in Canaletto's style but from a modern photograph. Canvas is prepared with peach acrylic. Very thin pure raw umber on the brush to paint the roofline and basic building outlines. "Don't worry if you miss something out, Canaletto did it all the time." Ultramarine blue, raw umber, ochre, burnt sienna, ultramarine violet with turpentine only.
Modern photo of Venice's Grand Canal

Do the most important building first. Once architecture is defined, paint in shadows. Generalize the tones. Use the to define different buildings. can get a dark dark with blue and brown. We're going for many different colors this time but remember this is the time to get on your darkest colors.(I really, realy struggled to do even the basic rooftop.)
half an hour of work

Then add windows. Nearly all of the shapes are triangles and rectangles, only the bridge for curves.
more than an hour later
Final note: DON'T PANIC it's only paint and you can wipe.

(Note: I panicked anyway. There was just too much detail and I didn't know what to do.)
It sucks that I'm stuck with this for next week. On the other hand, it does look like Venice.