March 12th, 2012


No man is an island, but some women are

First, I'm irritated to see just how much the LJ phone app screwed up my links in my last post. I actually want people to read what I write.

Second, this weekend - spent in the company of a lovely family - wound up reminding me just how much I wish I was a part of a family. Yeah, there are people out there who are related to me - a sister who won't keep in touch, a brother who was too busy to see me when I came to visit from 3000 miles away, a dad who gave me an itemized bill of how much money he'd have to spend on gas to see me for the first time in five years - but I feel like I'm really alone. I want to belong, I want to be a part of a group of people who will love me and be happy to have me be with them for decades, I want to get hugged and be able to love people back.

Instead I've got what I've got. I have to say that part of me thinks that with my abrasive personality, this is just what I deserve, that the relatives I have can't be bothered with me and that nobody else wants to make that kind of commitment to me voluntarily. God knows I haven't been able to make things any better than they are and no one can say I haven't been trying. It doesn't give me a lot of hope.