December 29th, 2012

Barbaro

Missing having a husband

Not having a partner in my life is really not good for my mental health right now. I'm tired and sick and depressed and want someone I can come home to and not have to put a face on to and that will let me be miserable and still treat me with love and affection. I hate I don't feel well enough to go to the grocery store and then cook in the same day, I hate that I'm so absent minded because of this illness, I hate that I'm tired all of the time, and I hate that work could all go to shit and I'd be tossed out on my ear and up the creek financially. I'm worried I'm going to get in one of those really horrible black funks that sticks around for months and not have any way to make it back out. I feel really exposed and I desperately want someone to have my back and support me emotionally. Not happy right now at all; just trying to survive one day at a time and wishing my life were different but not seeing any way to change things at all and no way of getting to a position where I have solid emotional support. Any one friend could maybe put up with this one day a week but frankly it's seven days a week I'm putting up with it and I'm not exactly charming company right now and in no shape to fish for someone who's interested in a serious emotional investment like I need right now. Who would want this? I know when Jason was poorly I looked after him selflessly but nowadays, well, I didn't think I was making an investment back in those days (I was just doing what was right because I loved him), but it's like the money I spent buying internet stocks in 1999: money down the toilet and nothing to show for it now.

Anyway, you can see why it feels like the black dog is coming back.