January 4th, 2013


Bad night

I got a really heartfelt letter from Jason yesterday apologizing about everything that led to the outbreak of this horrible illness.

I called him last night and started talking about all of the stuff I can't do anymore - swimming, Pilates, kayaking, dancing .... and how I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job and how I don't know what that's going to mean for my future, but in the next couple of years and after I retire. And I talked about the symptoms and what they feel like and how they hit me after I went to a party and then while I was having a conversation with a friend about some stuff that's happened in the last year and how I didn't think I could live without talking honestly to people about things even if it was stressful things and how I was trying to figure out how I could manage things so that I could have at least one conversation like that in a week and then just deal with the consequences afterwards. And I talked about how every day I was gone on holiday I had to lie down and nap or take it easy for at least an hour and how I had to cancel all of these things I was going to do with my uncle and with Henri, and how I had really thought I could count on Richard to support me when I was sick but now that's gone and who would want me anyway when I'm looking so ugly and depressed and I'm no fun anymore and I am looking at this possibly going on for years ...

and I cried and I cried and I cried. I started out trying to tell some funny stuff but then the dam broke and I just couldn't stop crying.

I guess I didn't know it was getting to me so bad.