January 6th, 2013

Cards on a Train

Allergy update - post major life change

My stress level has gone down substantially in the last two days. I can feel the adrenaline has cooled off. The conversations I had with J Thursday (when I was crying buckets on the phone and totally out of control emotionally) and Friday (at the British Museum) didn't make me feel more stressed out, which was awesome considering how full of emotion they were. Today I got quite uncomfortable with some things we were talking about, but it was nothing compared the shock I got from an email Friday night, which totally destroyed my ability to concentrate for the rest of the evening and would have kept me up if I hadn't gone for an extra dose of Xanax.

But the important thing is: two days and no breakout. I had some spots on my thighs last night but it was just nothing compared to what it has been. So I think I'm on right track even if I'm not driving the train. And I don't have that feeling of heartsickness of missing my best friend anymore, I suspect because I'm trying to rebuild my friendship with my former best friend and anticipating success because of ... well, the fact we just really have so much fun together when things are good. I'm trying to approach it scientifically, like if I were having someone come back to work after being gone for a really long time. Small steps, eh? I'm thinking regular trips to see movies (in the 6:30 zone) at the BFI while they're showing their Screwball Season; just the kind of thing we both enjoy and very, very light.

My energy levels are still totally shit though. I went on a little walk through Richmond Park and I had to sit down after 20 minutes and again after just a further ten or fifteen. Then I made it for a whole 'nother 20 minutes of walking after a half hour sitdown. It was really unimpressive. I was wondering if maybe it's the antihistamines that are making me so weak, but then I remembered: antihistamines make me groggy, they don't make my legs shaky. So I think there's no reason to stop taking them and see if I suddenly feel better - I'm pretty sure the outcome of that little experiment would be a nice swollen face and a red, welty body. So I want to think that I'm better, but until my energy levels improve, I'm not better at all. I'm just finding ways to manage the outbreaks (with antihistamines and by avoiding stress) and, well, just getting used to not having energy. I've slashed my planned activities - it's so much work to do anything that nothing's really very fun - and have been trying to come up with really quiet things I can do that help me not feel isolated. So ... I'm managing. I want to believe I'm better, that actually instead of a 6 week episode this was only 8 and then it went away, but I think optimism is not well placed and that focusing on accommodating this illness is a better idea.