January 24th, 2013

Tiger monkey

Can I please stop being sick please?

It's now a full week since I went to the doctor and was told I will probably be done with this thing by the end of February, and three weeks since I had a breakdown about how the loss of energy was making me depressed and isolated (not to mention the change in my personal relationships before Christmas, which was designed to reduce stress but unfortunately led to more isolation than I'd anticipated).

I'm frustrated that I'm not seeing any increase in my energy levels. It's been, what, a week? I can't tell if I'm actually better than I was between Christmas and New Year's, because although I probably would sleep in the middle of the day (I did every day when I was on holiday), I can't because I'm at work. But I'm tired, tired, tired. And I wish I could nap during the day, or work reduced hours, or something, but because of the new boss and the fact any time I take off is coming out of my paycheck, I'm here every day, trying to squeak past my 37 required hours.

I'm in a bit of a situation, though, because the steps I took to try to reduce my feelings of isolation and depression have led to an increase in stress and that also keeping my feelings of exhaustion very high (thank you, circular physical logic). Realizing I need more support, I've asked Jason to spend a whole lot more time with me for the next month - more than I think he was anticipating, but, hopefully, enough for him to manage in the short while. I am really, really hoping that some solid secure space and a near total cut out of activities (especially during the week) will help flatten out the exhaustion and the stress so that in maybe in as little as two weeks I can actually walk to Covent Garden and back on my lunch break and not want to immediately lie down and sleep.

It's been really, really frustrating being this ill and not being able to, through my own will, dig a way out of it. I desperately want to be better, but my body will do what it wants to on whatever schedule it wants to. And I can't rest myself better; I can only actively reduce stress in order to get better and unfortunately isolation increases my stress level. Let's hope the quiet nights home with Jason will help. I wish like hell I could get someone else to come to my house and keep me company, but I don't have any friends that live close enough to do it easily and the friends I have who might do it on a weekend all live too far away to do it on weeknights, when I'm most prone to coming home and getting extremely morbid about my future. And I just can't handle the energy output of going to other people's houses on weeknights - it wrecks me enough to wipe me for all of the next day.

Patience. Not my strong suit. I just wish I could at least see some signs of improvement.

I'll change your game

So at work today we got into one of those discussions I hear all of the time, where we start a project and don't have requirements because the requirements for 80% of the project is "it works like it does now," which is really not adequate because we have no documentation on how it works now and my team is convinced that a lot of how it works now isn't actually right, but we can't prove it because it's not documented.

So one of the project managers starts saying, "Yeah, but it's the chicken or the egg thing, what came first ..."

and I interrupted him and said, "Yeah, but we can leave that all behind and start talking about how we want it to be."

And the other project manager said, "So how do we want it to be?"

And I said, "We take the test cases we've been writing, cross check them for thoroughness, decide if how it's functioning now based on these test cases actually describes how we want things to work, fill in the areas we don't have, and note down what's not working right so we can decide whether or not it's something we want to change for this project. And my team will be happy because they'll actually have had someone make a decision about how we want things to work instead of just guessing about what's right or wrong."

"Well, who's going to do that?" said the suspicious PM.

"One guy from the test team, one guy from dev, and one business owner who can define what's right and wrong. And a one day workshop led by one of you two guys to go through everything and figure out if we have some things that need to actually be fixed before this project goes forward and then get it in the pipeline."

And then suddenly it was getting scheduled and people were signing up for it and we'd moved beyond OH WOE IS WE into "look we can fix this." And I thought, well, that's my work done for today, and I grabbed a piece of millionaire's shortbread and went off to my next meeting.

And at 9 PM

At nine PM, about half an hour after dinner, I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. Not sleepy, just exhausted and brain not able to focus anymore.

This is so frustrating! I want to be writing or doing something creative or even holding up my end of a conversation! But instead I let myself be read to, which was pleasant and which I felt I could enjoy without the reader feeling in any way like I wasn't keeping up my side of the deal.

I did such a good job getting through work today, and I got a seat home on the train and was actually able to participate in making dinner, but I'm guessing that running to three different shops and then the standing to make things might have just been all of my energy for the evening (and was certainly more than I had attempted in quite a while), and thus the shop of me closed early.