January 27th, 2013


I forgot to mention

For those of you not on Twitter or FB, lots of fun this week as my landlords have tried to raise the rent by 20% (200 pounds).

I've bargained them down to 100 but they still think that another 150 would be at market rate (it's legal for them to raise it to market rate at any time after my lease has run out). So I'm contesting it - there's a process to do this (they have to send me an official notice of rent raising and I contest it and a mediator does a market evaluation) - though I haven't yet received the letter. At any rate, it's going up 100 for March. And, as an extra treat, my pay is going down 100 a month in April, due to back taxes owed because the Post Office was not paying HMRC correctly.

Yay. I'm really so up for dealing with this stuff. Current position: if they raise it 150, I will move out at the end of May - unless my tenant decides she wants to kick in so she can stay here with me until it's time for her to move. Given her meager salary as a librarian, I don't think she can afford to pay any more at all. I'm sorry about losing this place, but given that I've been paying all of the utilities, council tax etc on my own, it's probably time for me to downsize - I just want to wait until the end of May so I can get my tulips into the tulip show this year - probably the last time I will get to enter for a long while if I wind up moving into another rental flat.

Is this progress?

I made dinner at home for myself tonight. This seems like good progress to me; I've pretty much been buying dinner from Chatkhara every single night. But when I got home from today's outing, I didn't feel totally wiped out (relationship to feelings of emotional stability = 100%), so I picked up some tomatoes at the corner Polish/Turkish grocery store ... wait, no, I bought them at the Bangladeshi quickie mart where they were cheaper ... pulled out the unused zucchini from Thursday, two frozen "Sicilian inspired" sausages, and some garlic and onions, and made a sauce that I eventually poured on some really crazy pasta I picked up from Genoa ages ago ... called croxetti, they're flat round medallions with designs stamped in them (one looks like a town seal and the other looks like a bundle of wheat). I don't know what I do when I cook, really, but I made food that tasted good to me, so that was reassuring and I've got enough for tomorrow as well.

Today was spent (after pancakes were made for me) at the Wellcome Collection with my friend Sophie, who very patiently listened to me describing the pickle I'd gotten myself into this month and then visited around the Death exhibit. It was all the collection of one man, mostly, and, well, I thought it wasn't nearly as good as most of the other shows they had, as a lot of them had involved original research or art created just for them. But it was nice to hang around someone who was sensible (despite being willing to take up tap dancing with me still, when I'm well) and encouraging and focused on problem solving and a bit of cheerleading.

Anyway, I maybe should be reading the Felix Castor book I'm in the middle of, but I found Persuasion on the floor when I was looking for items to hand wash earlier tonight, so I'll enjoy the comforts of Jane Austen and a giant glass of rioja tonight, and with a tiny bit of leftover energy I might finally finish the review of the show I saw a week ago that I still haven't written up.

That was shocking

I actually just had a really good night at home alone.

I did have a couple of phone calls, but I also got a letter from my sister offering to come and take care of me if I needed her (and I might) as well as an invite to see a show that's opening tomorrow at the National - a free ticket for press night! I also got some really nice messages of support from people I've never even met that I follow on Twitter - "Your health has been tricky, you've been under such stress and yet you never give up. I really admire that. :)" Man, that just really, really helps, to get some acknowledgment about how damned hard things have been and that someone actually even thinks I haven't given up, which I hadn't realized.

But, I guess, if you think about it, I haven't. I am trying to get healthy, every damned day. I am trying to push myself just a little, to see even a step forward on any given day, or, if that's not working, to think about a week and try to make just that one step over a week. I am trying to do the right things in my personal life to make me healthy and to make a good life, not just for now but for the long term. I'm still trying to do a good job at work, even a great job (not that I can be amazing but I am really trying to make things there good), despite the fact that a lot of days the last couple of weeks I have just been shocked that I've managed to make it to the end of the day and not just leave and go home because I couldn't physically hack sitting upright in a chair.

Who knows. Maybe this week I will make it to 5 PM every day at work and not keel over at 1, or at 3. And I am going to go to three shows, goddammit, Monday and Tuesday and Friday. And I will sit at work on my lunch hour and conserve my energy so I can make it to the end of the night and not let the people down I made those plans with. And, well, if nothing else, I will really fucking try, even knowing I might not make it to the end of the night any of those nights. Because I have not given up.