March 11th, 2013

Barbaro

Enough with the snow, enough with the blotches

Woke up, puttered around. Dressed. Looked at myself in mirror. Face blotchy, huge red spots across forehead (but not swollen); chest welted, nice scarlet patches. Take off v-neck red cashmere (non-itchy) sweater and replace with grey cashmere turtleneck; go to bathroom, restyle hair and put makeup over forehead (it's cold out, snowing actually, so the extra moisture will be good).

God I just need this over, I need my stress flatlined for a whole month, nice and easy and quiet, no confrontations, no "helpful" criticism that sends me into a panicky downward spiral, just support, support, support and nothing hard for my brain to handle.

This week is supposed to be quiet except for the citizenship application thing on Thursday - otherwise it's Pilates, two nights with friends, and a night that I thought I was going to be well enough to go dancing but have to realistically appraise as a better night to just spend at home. Then it will be a quiet weekend. I'm supposed to be starting the Flamenco festival at the end of this week - just can't believe I'm not all over this yet. *sigh*

Missed my three good things yesterday. Wasn't able to get the list up past two before I fell asleep as was hashing over sad things in my head. Boo.
Sea dragon

Sweet little me?

I was told today that I'm really, really scary when I'm angry.

Thing is, I just don't think all that many people I know have every seen me angry. It kind of makes me wonder what they think my angry looks like, because my version of angry is like a dragon exhaling a nuclear bomb, and they've only seen kitten in a bathtub.

Today reminded me that I miss my big bad temper, because it's how I protect myself from jerks. I've tried to tone it down for years to make myself a better partner, but I think it's ultimately led to me being in this situation where I feel that, not only do I have no one to defend me, I can't even defend myself. And today I defended myself and, brainwise, I felt good - not taken advantage of, not helpless and weak, but strong and powerful.

I liked that.

I don't care if it's not socially acceptable because I'm female. Fuck that shit. There's no one out there to defend me except for me, and I need to stand up and take responsibility for being my own protector.