I've been mostly sticking with taking my medicine three times a day, but I thought I'd try two again and skipped last night's dose. Of course I was itchy at 3 AM and at 6 when I woke up (to check the alarm clock) I thought if I didn't get some medicine in my ASAP I was going to be looking too gnarly for work. So up and took drugs, but an hour later when I got up for real I was still covered with red patches all over my arms and legs (face not too bad fortunately). COME ON MEDS do your trick.
Really should have tried to get an appointment with the dermatologist yesterday after having my meeting with my doctor as I really want a maintenance plan for this condition but things kind of flew by at work and I forgot. Now I'm running out of time as my boss will be back from paternity leave Wednesday and I'm supposed to have all sorts of things done before he shows up. Grr.
Well, J says he sees the past as a time which has already gone away and that we can walk away from - it's no longer a part of his reality anymore. And by this he means everything he was doing when we were broken up - his entire life, the friends he made, the things they used to do. I'm kind of surprised, but there's a part of me that guesses he's just tired of all of the drama and the hate and wants to just nuke it all and never have to deal with it again. Getting re-engaged with that life means drama to be sure, and how we are going to overcome the mountain of hostility seems pretty unachievable. It is no doubt easier to just turn his - and my - back(s) on the whole thing, or, rather, everybody, but I just didn't think I'd hear Jason saying that he's just separated himself from it entirely and isn't really bothered anymore. I could use less hurt and anger and negativity, too, so there is certainly a lot of sense in this approach (although I usually prefer "confront and deal with it" to "give up entirely and act like you don't feel a sense of loss").
I guess then: what future do we walk toward?
I guess I've figured out why Jason says we just can't hang out with his old friends anymore. Well, alright, leave the past behind and look forward ...
About five minutes after I posted the last thing I got horrible stomach cramps, I think caused by the medicine I've started taking (it's one of the side effects).
I had to leave immediately.
I started crying on the way home.
I want so much to be better and I'm just so tired of all of this shit and the thought that I'm going to have to deal with this, too, for a month or maybe months, just makes me feel totally broken.