March 25th, 2013

Barbaro

No doctor today

Instead of waking up 10 minutes early to make a day appointment with the doctor, I woke up two hours early (no idea why) with my heart racing and couldn't get back to sleep for an hour and a half. I reset the alarm finally so I'd only be going to work one hour short of sleep (grumpy) instead of two (scatterbrained and dozing off). This meant I was sleeping past the time when there was any hope of me getting a day appointment today but I just can't bear the thought of being completely wrecked at work today.
Wristband

That experiment is now ending

Missed about 2-3 hours of sleep last night and in the morning I had the worst panic attack I can remember since I moved here. Actually felt like my heart stopped beating for a bit. Couldn't go to work because I couldn't cope with pretending anything. Called Jason and couldn't get through. Wanted to call Richard (for support), Jess (for advice on coping with these weird medications), and Trish (for help with getting through panic attacks) but obviously couldn't do any of those things. Writhed and freaked out and started worrying about losing my job. Cancelled my tickets for this evening. Not sure about tomorrow; realize that if this doesn't stop I can't go to Greece.

Took some Xanax. Woke up still feeling shaky (by which I mean freaked out). Took more Xanax. Called back work about meeting I was supposed to be in and got cover arranged. Lay in bed telling myself there was really nothing wrong, I was going to be okay, this was likely all caused by the lack of sleep and the Sertraline, deep breaths, think of something nice. I feel asleep.

Jason got through while I was sleeping and agreed to come over. I feel back asleep. I have probably slept for six hours today.

I checked the side effects of the Sertraline a minute ago. Panic attacks is on there, as well as sleeplessness, and twitching. I am stopping it immediately because, while I can live with depression and anxiety, I cannot live with panic attacks so bad I can't go to work. First time in my life I've had to stay home because of a fucked up head and I do not want to repeat it.