March 27th, 2013


Wrapping up the SSRI experiment

So I'm about 8 hours away from the end of the 72 hours the doctor said it would take for me to clear this stuff out of my system.

Good news: no panic attack since the first day. Sleep pattern: Monday up heart racing at 6 AM, Tuesday up heart racing at 5 AM, today up at 3 AM but heart not too bad, still couldn't fall back asleep for an hour.

Today I felt groggy, anxious, and continued to have the dry mouth that is one of the side effects of the setraline, but, interestingly, the little red welts started coming back. So whatever chemical "thing" in my body that turns off the shit that activates the histamines was coming back to life. Seriously, I never thought I'd be happy to see them again, but if they're a sign of general mental health (versus the last few days) then HIP HIP HOORAY.

I decided to set a couple of little goals for myself today and see if I could manage them. First, I tried just sitting up for an hour. I didn't actually sit up for the whole hour, but I stayed awake for an hour and a half, which seemed pretty promising. And then I let myself fall asleep. But my next goal was to WALK TO THE HIGH STREET and hit the bank. Ooh, going outside, could I do it? I did, and I didn't get all twitchy and scared and freaky like I did yesterday in the doctor's office, although I was slow, felt really weak, and felt swimmy and off balance. But I did well. And I got the feeling maybe I hadn't been eating enough and some more food would be good for me, and I got some rice pudding at Chatkhara. Then I went home, ate a bit, hung up my laundry, and fell back asleep. But then I got up and did some dishes and put a few clothes away. This, really, is massive progress.

The sad thing is that I don't think I'm well enough to travel so I'm not planning on going to Greece with my roommate tomorrow - 250 down the drain. That's on top of the 70 for the ballet last night and the 30 for the Flamenco Monday. And J has cancelled his trip so he can look after me. I'm so relieved, really: if things had continued like they were on Tuesday, even, I did not know what I was going to do if I was in the house all by myself for five days straight or, worse, in a foreign country, exhausted, confused, shaky, and scared, with no safe place to go back to.

On the other hand, I still haven't got the letter confirming UKBA has received our request for citizenship, and if they got it tomorrow and J was out of the country the whole thing would be overturned and that would be bad too, right?

Anyway. Lesson learned: no more SSRI inhibitors. I would really rather find some lifestyle changes to deal with my stress rather than put myself through this again.