April 2nd, 2013


First day back at work after a week being sick

Man, I just LOVE this being sick thing. Because, you know what, the chronic thing still hasn't gone away, in part because the underlying stress which feeds it hasn't stopped. But the drugs I was taking to try to deal with it are gone now and this is kind of better for my head but kind of not as the loss of sleep and welts and swelling are all back for the party.

You know what's really great about being sick? The weight loss. I'm down a whole dress size! It's just great. I love how much I don't feel like eating anymore, or enjoy eating. My body thinks it wants to carry on so I give it a little something but I've rarely enjoyed a meal or the taste of food since November so it doesn't really matter what. It makes it a lot easier to choose healthy stuff.

You know what else is awesome? Having friends turn their backs on me within a week of this thing going chronic. That is the way to show your support for the sick chick and have her get better! Oh, wait, no, the other thing. I love how it makes me feel like I really was going to have to fight this on my own, as people I spent years supporting and befriending through all of their ups and downs just dropped me like a poop coated dollar bill. It was all just a part of the sense of community I felt completely evaporate around me. WOOOOOO WTF this is paybacks for me doing what? Was I Condoleeza Rice in a previous life?

The kind of final thing that's really helped me with reducing my stress and getting life to some kind of normal level where I don't bloat up and balloon when I get freaked out (and it's been really easy to freak me out the whole time I've had this because the adrenaline gland/histamine connection is TOTALLY HAPPENING FOR ME) is the LOVELY HATE CAMPAIGN BULLSHIT with bonus "behind closed doors shit stirring" and the supportive emails. I LOVE YOU ALL EVERYBODY I'M SURE YOU'RE DELIGHTED AND PLEASED WITH BEING ABLE TO KEEP ME A TOTAL WRECK. In the end, I will probably get to a dress size I could never have DREAMED of when I was 16 because I was already too fat for the pretty girl's clothes, but if it's any consolation to the haters, with my faced all puffed up and the red welts all over my body, the dresses won't fit and I won't go out. I'm really obsessed with just trying to get through one day at a time and not lose my job but if I stop and look backwards I get really angry.

And somehow most of this bonus bullshit is because I asked Jason to get back together with me, and he said yes, and we both agreed that the only way we could make it work was by going monogamous. I am not sure how this led to people shunning us (since when do you crowdsource the decision about whether or not two people want to be together?), but it sure has been effective at making me feel sick pretty constantly for the last three months. But hey, I got to try SSRI inhibitors and I wouldn't give that up for the world. I mean, try them again for the world. And Jason's been put into a position where I'm his only friend, so we get to spend lots of time together, because God knows nobody wants to hang out with BOTH of us.

This post is brought to you by the lack of sleep I got last night, the swollen face I had this morning, and the feeling of abandonment and isolation that follows me around like my shadow. At least I'm not suicidal like I was in January but I am massively, massively disgusted with how this has all played out.