April 6th, 2013

Sea dragon

First genuinely good day in, er, two weeks

Well, it's two weeks since I first took the sertaline, and, wow, today I was able to plan for the future. It's hard to believe that on Tuesday I was thinking I was going to have to cancel the trip to San Diego/Seattle because I felt so fragile I didn't think I could handle the time alone. I was also able to get enough of the pieces of work picked up that I'd had going before I went off sick that, in my first one to one meeting with my boss in three weeks (he'd been on paternity leave), I looked like I'd actually been working to accomplish things and putting long term planning into place - not like I'd pulled a bunch of stuff out of, er, my hat about two hours before the meeting, which is a bit what it felt like going into the meeting as I desperately updated three papers.

But, well, I had actually been working on most of that stuff, a bit at a time, while he was gone. And when he asked what kind of "process improvement" stuff I was putting in place, I actually had some things to answer him with that I'd just got going that week, but which I'd been thinking about a bit for a few months (things my team had requested, specifically build NUMBERS and build notes).

Because I was feeling happy after my meeting with him, I took myself for a walk in the freezing cold sunshine, and made it to Oxfam (to look for more Noel Streatfield books), three shoe stores (the red flower cutout tennis shoes at Josef Siebel were especially interesting) and finally Whittard, where the China Keemun was back in stock ... and I finally discovered I'd left my wallet at work. Oops.
Adopt one today!
When I got back, I had a ravenous appetite, even though I'd eaten before I walked out the door. I wound up downing a mini chocolate roll, a banana, half a pint of strawberries, a square of chocolate, two handfuls of almonds, and some blueberries. Then one of my employees came back with a really sugary soda and then some meeting broke up and there were spare cakes from Pret (plus some sweet popcorn). I was amazed to just want to eat so much food non-stop but given what I ate last week (bananas, yogurt, toast with peanut butter) I figured I could toss down whatever crap was available and not be the least bit bothered.
Adopt one today!
As a sort of goofball bonus I wound up getting two rare dragon eggs while I was sitting there eating my crap food and that actually just perked me up all sorts of ways. It was really silly but I think being happy about silly stuff is just fine. The evening ended with me going to see the Mikhailovsky Ballet perform a long piece by Nacho Duato done to the music of Bach; the music was just lovely and even though I found the dancing a bit tiresome, it was such a pleasure to watch it from the front row that I couldn't help but enjoy the evening even though I was really worn out (I feel like I haven't slept right for, oh, two weeks) and during a long part that was not very absorbing I made up a little comic book about my roommates zombies vs plants game as crossed with my silly dragon game and that amused me.

Tomorrow is 1) me going to visit Sophie, who broke her arm, and help her do some housework and then 2) off to Mr Jason's for his housewarming dinner party. I've actually decided that I'm not going to bother taking the new medication the doctor prescribed me on a trial run at all this weekend; I don't want to wimp out on Sophie because I feel poorly, I want to be able to drink at the party tomorrow night, and I don't want to be too zoned out to enjoy the ballet that J and I are going to see Sunday afternoon. I've really had enough with using my body as a chemical war zone and since I'm doing the "tapering off the Xanax" thing starting tonight, my guess is that's more than enough confusion for the brain juice to manage and we'll just leave it at that. I'm feeling like 90% myself (only the stupid new post-urticaria self whose emotions come through a firehose whenever they get turned on - tears at the ballet tonight again, but that's not a bad thing really) and my stress level has seriously gone down so much in the last seven days thanks to all of the centering time with Jason (and the genuine efforts we have both put into things that will make a healthy mental lifestyle for both of us, but especially for me since I'm the one that needs to KILL the stress) that I don't want to do anything to stir up any kind of trouble with my stupid brain. And, really, I do have a nice weekend planned. I am looking forward to it. But for now: bed!

What a way to wake up on a Saturday morning

I slept great last night. Hurray! Nine plus hours of sleep in a row! I may feel like I've had enough some day after having two weeks where I felt like I could barely sleep at all.

I then got a text alerting me that my employees were reading my blog. YES I SEE YOU ARE LOOKING HERE NOW YES THIS IS GOING TO AFFECT WHAT I MAKE PUBLIC GOING FORWARD.

In part, this note is also to let the rest of you know I'm probably going to be seriously changing what I make public here. I'm going to keep talking about my illness, because I think if other people get it, they need some guidance about what to expect and what is "normal," and of course I'll post links to my show reviews, because it drives search engine traffic. But otherwise, expect a major change in tone.

On one hand, I can now see why the people at work don't believe I'm making up how sick I am. On the other hand, spending two hours cleaning up my posts (mostly I got the filtering right) is not how I want to spend a Saturday (Sophie cancelled on me, she's got lurgy). On the third hand, the number of people who I think don't really fall into the circle of people that I think of as "friends" i.e. people that would want to keep up with what I'm doing and then TALK to me about it because we're, you know, "friends," and instead are just kind of stopping by here to get some interesting information they can't find elsewhere but would never actually TALK to me about i.e. stalking me online, is kind of creepy. So this is probably for the best. And those of you who have been reading my blog to keep up on what Jason is doing, I think you're going to have to give up on that hobby.

Anyway. I think I've reviewed enough posts to feel okay with what's up there, but it's time for me to get on with my Saturday.