April 16th, 2013


Be still my heart

I can't tell to what extent my heart is actually recovering or if I've actually been so messed up from being ill that I've just become more focused on surviving and incapable of accurately assessing my deeper emotional state.

But I'm lonely this morning. It seems to have a big layer of ill over it, though, "how itchy am I/did I have enough sleep/is my brain jetting out anxiety crap at me" et cetera. I'm actually going to see two doctors this week, one to see if we can come up with a plan for managing the urticaria better (she told me it would all be over by the end of February), and one to talk about general health issues - which I hope means I'll get a better idea what was making me want to pass out last week.

Talked to eglantinedreams Sunday night and she said I'd done a good job at managing a chronic illness, getting up to speed and adapting much more quickly than most people. I hate to think that what I'm doing is managing since I'm just making shit up, but I can thank people like the_kumquat, Ms eglantinedreams and sfred, for kindly giving me advice and also showing me that these things can be survived. I don't know how you guys have borne up for so many years but I do really appreciate you trying to help me get through this.

Bad work

Now feel so stressed out about how work is handling my illness that I'm about crying at my desk. Really worry they're trying to manage me out the door and I don't see how I can do a good job at interviews with big scary blotches all over my face.

This is what led me to sit there pretending I was okay during a meeting where I thought I was going to pass out last week.

Bonus points: this is not helping me manage my stress levels very well.