April 22nd, 2013


New dreams

It's sad to be dreaming that your dog is sick and wake up and remember your dog died two years ago.

Yesterday was a good day but I learned that the "1-2 pills daily" dose of Amitryptiline translates as "1 if you want to go to work, 2 if you want to spend most of the last day in a haze." Given how many heavy converations J and I have been having lately, I'm sure he enjoyed having me be mellow and ultra-low maintenance, but I didn't like that I still wasn't coherent for the podcast at noon.

Joy: listening to J and my roommate Katy visiting in the backyard while they enjoyed the sunshine and drank coffee (and I napped with the French doors open to the garden). They get along really well.

Later he and I went out and had a big late lunch at Saraswathy Bavan prior to heading into town to see the David Bowie exhibit at the V&A. I had some problems with the exhibit, especially the hagiographic elements ("David Bowie feels that randomness is important to art." "David Bowie has always wanted audiences to experience their own ability to create themselves.") and the parts where it attempted to mate up his recent weaker music with his genius era stuff. I couldn't help but think of the Bongwater song "David Bowie is looking for new ideas," only it's got to the point where he's cannibalizing himself to do it. But also the thing felt like an ad, and that Bowie had approved all of the exhibition display text and made sure it was properly reverential. The David Hockney exhibit did the same thing; there was not a critical note about all of his past. That's poor curation in my book - basically we had paid to see a giant ad for Opus Bowie.

On the other hand, there was this big room where about 45 minutes of concert footage and bits from Top of the Pops was being played, with the audience listening over our headphones, and if you took yours off you could hear people quietly singing along. Very nice.

Then it was home and a long conversation with my sister via skype which I did partically wearing the bunny mask (see user pic) because my hair looked funny and it was making my niece laugh. She asked what I could do to make sure things aren't stressful, and I said she probably needed to take away my computer. All I really want to do is spend our days at the beach and our evenings eating Mexican food and drinking margaritas, so I should be pretty darned easy to entertain this trip.

Stress reduction for the next two weeks

Stress reduction in the previous four months has been hard. Obviously if you have three years of backed up conversations you need to have in order to try to rebuild your relationship with someone there's a lot of stress that just won't go away.

But for both of us, this was complicated by the explosion of an entire network of friendships, triggered by our decision to get back together. And this has made things much worse for both of us. At the very least, we have both been struggling with a considerable amount of grief over the loss of our friendships (although I was struggling beforehand with the fact that my illness was making it impossible for me to even have friends, as I was too weak to manage anything more than just get to work and even that has been difficult, and let's not even discuss how my illness has had me on an adrenaline hair-trigger fight/flight response for months).

But ... if I narrow down my worries, then maybe I can reduce my stress, and, well, the thing to do seems to be to just step away from the social stress, attempt to tamp down my grief, reduce the discussions of the past, and look at the future. I am going to spend the next two weeks NOT talking about the heartbreak of the last four months and talk instead about building and rebuilding. I will enjoy my time with my sister and my time with varina8. I will make plans to go kayaking. I will live my life like this "thought for the day" I saw at the Angel tube station last week:

And hopefully when I come back from America my background adrenaline levels will have dropped, my immune system will actually start believing I'm not in danger of attack at any minute, and I might actually start to get well. And maybe I will hear from people I haven't heard from in a long time, and they will want to see me, and that will be nice, and J and I will go out and start socializing again, which will be fun. And we'll start our running program, and I think we will both enjoy that a lot.

That would make things different

Just realized for the first time in years and years I could actually be pregnant right now.

No real reason to think so (it would be Ye Olde Early Days) but when I realized it this morning I thought, "Gosh, that would be different. And at my age."

Anyway, food for thought.