June 23rd, 2013


Life, change in last three years

So I was spending a lot of time talking to Jason about his ability to commit to a relationship with a poly person given that he is (as he says himself) monogamous, and at some point he asked what has changed about me in the last three years. (Obviously he is still monogamous, like he was before we separated, and I have decided as of 18 months ago that poly is just too much of a fucking minefield for me to bother with anymore - I can't handle the endless emotional trauma, and I am far too emotionally attached to people to do multiple relationships without being hurt again and again.)

I talked about a lot of things ... dealing with too much illness, for example ... but one of the things that is different is that I really don't know what the fuck my life is going to be like in any way, shape or form, in even the short term. Like in August. And maybe in July.

What I am doing is very actively working to keep as many options open as possible so that I can keep my stress levels down and not feel trapped in any one plan. Working soon? Have an interview. Not working for the long term? That may happen anyway. Staying here? I could be buying a house here with J this fall. Moving? I could go to San Diego in two months (who needs all of the crap I have anyway!).

10 years ago I thought I knew what I would be doing in 20 years; this month I barely know what I will be doing in two weeks. I'd like things to settle down, though, so I can make plans again.

Another trip around the solar system

Tomorrow will be the first year in eight I haven't spent Richard's birthday with him, and this makes me feel like a heel. It would be stupid to acknowledge it in anyway given 1) zero contact from him whatsoever since January including 2) he also blew off my birthday ... but still, given how many times he's told me how much he worries about being forgotten and alone on his birthday, I can feel my heart being tugged at.

Which obviously means I'm a complete moron. Curious Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, God how I need you.

Have not managed to cure myself of stress so that my urticaria could go away, and think I spent today exhausted thanks to it.

Job interview tomorrow. Luck, etc. At least my face isn't swollen up.