September 20th, 2013

Sea dragon

Stupid urticaria (how many posts have this title?)

Well, July was great for the urticaria - once I got on the sertraline. No spots, no swelling, nothing. Come August I was starting to think I had it beat - but I was suspicious. If something happened that startled me, I could feel a rush on my shoulders, back and chest - something that hadn't happened to me before. I got the feeling it was just being suppressed.

This month has made it clear that was in fact the case. I've had spotting again, mild, on my thighs and upper arms. More worrying, I've had swelling on my face. It's not been anything bad, just what I call duck lips (and once or twice the eye swelling thing, but not swollen shut, just puffy enough to block my vision), but just imagine going into an interview looking like that. I can't imagine anyone hiring me, and I would imagine if this happened to me when I was on the job that people would get really upset. "Hi, I'm your highly paid consultant, but for today, I'm the elephant man." Cue NOT making it past the review period. It may be because my stress levels are higher; it may be because I stopped taking the amitryptaline because I wasn't needing it to sleep anymore (it left me awfully groggy in the morning).

And then there's the sertraline. It makes me feel shitty. While the anxiety is tamped down as far as the urticaria is concerned, for me it's a constant presence, and frequently very high in the morning when I take the pills. (I started taking them in the morning because they were interfering with my sleep.) My general anxiety levels are better - I had some days when I was working where I just freaked out and started crying at work because everything was just too much to deal with - but crap, this still is a long way from normal. I'm torn between NOT taking them anymore (to make me feel like I'm not a crazy person) and upping my dose to see if it further attacks the swelling. Either way, I feel totally unemployable - not capable of going into work and being a normal person, and not capable of looking like a normal person. I mean, yeah, sure, I haven't even had any interviews since June, but when I wake up looking like I did today, I think, thank God I don't have to go into work looking like this; and when I'm feeling panicky and like my life is really fucked up and everything is shit, I think, thank God I'm at home, and I can just wait until this goes away and I'll probably be fine - I bet if I go for a run it will end even faster. I really just want to get a job right now because I want to be able to send money to my sister.

Bonus: I have a cold again. If my immune system is as fucked up as it has been the last eight months, I'm probably going to get a lung infection again.