November 23rd, 2013

Sea dragon

Nearly the end of November.

I've written about one day's entry in Nanowrimo, so I failed to do that, but (major news as of today) I got a job. And I spent two weeks with one of my closest friends that left my head feeling clear, my body feeling strong, and me convinced I was well enough to ... well, handle working again without having major urticaria flareups - just the itchiness and occasional bubbly skin, but nothing anyone could see. The trip (and the good health) gave me the attitude I needed to have to come home and slam dunk a second interview. So hurray. I'm convinced my prioritization was right (beach and hiking and kayaking - and finding a job - over writing), because, really, the novel is still there to be written.

I'll write more about the place I'm going to be working at and the interview and stuff later. But: job.

I am frustrated that it's been a full year since I first got sick and I'm still not entirely well, but I'm relieved that I've plateaued (finally) at a level that can support me going into work. All of the fear I experienced the last year - well, November through October - may have been caused by real things that slammed into me way too hard (thanks to the adrenaline valve being stuck in "open" - but some of what I had to deal with was genuinely awful, including losing my best friend and the shit that happened at work) or may have been caused by the meds, but all of it felt real to me at the time. I'm just so glad that my fear system has finally, after all of this time, re-regulated at a level that doesn't leave me feeling like I might need to spend a few days hiding in the bathroom.

And I'm going to not be dependent again very, very soon. I'm so relieved. In a few months, I can start to try to imagine what my future is going to look like. At this point, I have no idea what even February holds. But I can figure it out later. I am just going to stare into the future and take it as it comes. I can do it.