Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維 (webcowgirl) wrote,
Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維
webcowgirl

I handle rejection poorly and pick up on it happening early. Hurray.

Realizing J was planning for a trip he'd refused to take with me, I fell asleep (or failed to for some time) thinking of all of the people who had rejected me, making it all of the way back to Seattle and Pam and Nina. Realized these thoughts were not helping me actually sleep but then my usual sleep image of having someone snuggle with me while I napped was also corrupted by a lack of good imaginary snugglers. I remember now when I was young I used to pretend it was Jesus. This image does not work any more, either, go figure.

It's depressing that both my sensitivity to seeing rejection has started as well as the deep pain I experience when people reject me means I'm likely to get and continue to be rejected. If I just wasn't bothered, then people wouldn't have to deal with my reactions of extreme hurt when it had happened and it would be easier to mend fences when, er, I hadn't been driven to thoughts of suicide by feeling like I was not worthy to be alive. So I see it happening, I panic, the bridge is set on fire, there goes another friendship. Then I'm all depressed because I miss the person in question but they've moved on to more stable people.

Yay.

I got to sleep eventually. I don't know how I got my brain calmed down.

Oil painting class tonight. Sleeping on train this afternoon. Possible writeup of play I saw yesterday at some point.
Tags: bad of the brane
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