August 17th, 2014


The way things are

You know, I'm not Mother Theresa. In attempting to cope with my illness, I may have ruined a few friendships (that couldn't adjust to monogamy), but I didn't break up any marriages. But be clear, I have had to pay a heavy price the last year and a half for some modicum of security while I've struggled with being sick.

I'm worried that this new job may actually be so stressful that I can't cope. But my hope is that I'm on the down side of the learning curve already and it will be tolerable after another few weeks. And my physical health is much better than it was: one of my friends said she thinks I'll never have a total collapse again, and many have remarked on how I seem to have got so many things together in my life (which actually means "in my head") so that I'm happier, less stressed, and actually healthier that I was before.

I've got a lot less ups and downs than I used to have, there is no doubt about it. Not being a part of an extremely judgmental clique has probably been an excellent thing for my mental health (as I feel confident it had a big role in my physical health collapsing). But I have so far to go to be stable and God knows when it comes to happiness all I have is a tiny core of "I am who I am and I accept and love myself as I am, and I know there are people that accept and love me as I am" to hold on to, and the hope that my job and health will stablize, and that I can eventually work on making a life where I'm actually happy again.