Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維 (webcowgirl) wrote,
Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維

February madness

I'm still chafing feeling like I've been thrown out of my core network of friends here - no longer welcome at the few parties I'm invited to unless I want to run a gamut of icy stares and turned backs. I'm not only not strong enough to handle it, I simply don't see what the point of going to places - if I'm even invited - only to have to deal with the social ostracism. Last year it was bad enough that I left the God Is party in tears; this year I think it's more reasonable for me to not even go. It kind of makes me sad, but how can it make sense to go to an event where I have to deal with that kind of social pressure?

Cutting myself off from seeing people even more makes me wonder to what extent I just look like a crazy person. If I would "go along to get along" I'd be more acceptable, I'm sure; but I've never been that kind of person. And eventually people who speak up and express negativity do get pushed out of most social circles; even Goths want to hang out with people who talk about puppies and kittens rather than the doubtlessly constant stream of angst I've had to process - even more since the ostracism started kicking in and I've had to deal with it as well as being kicked out of my marriage.

I want to get back to being a person who sits around and has a drink with friends and talks about movies and plays and art and all of the ridiculous nothings that we try to put together to make a life that we can feel has been lived well even as we see its end inevitably approaching. I want to feel connected and supported and part of a community. But I've been trying to create a new one for the last six months and it has been damned slow going. At least I no longer feel like I've only lived a life measured with coffee spoons; I've gone for great big shovels but after I got through a few layers of gold I seem to have been digging a giant vein of manure.

But I'm still digging, for now, anyway, going to shows, writing, learning to paint, trying to make new friends, trying to find someone who will eventually want to be my partner again, trying to create a life where I don't feel so alone. I'm using all of the damned brain I've got, doing everything I can think of, except for trying to do something that would make me be untrue to myself.

Tags: bad of the brane
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