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So yesterday I overstretched myself a bit. I had invited some friends to come over in the afternoon to see my garden, and some other friends to come over in the evening for dinner. Dinner group was organized as a "welcome back" party for an American friend I hadn't seen in six months; he's Aspbergery (well, diagnosed) and does best in small quiet groups. Flower group was a loud fun (and also American) friend of mine and his husband. the two groups were, in my mind, incompatible; while Loud American and I can maintain at the same level for hours, he would have killed dinner by basically giving Guest of Honor no space for himself. I did ask if Loud was going to stay for dinner a few times (or even wanted food) as I was going to need more food if so, but he said no.

So: catastrophe. Loud and boy arrive 2 hours late, the same time as Welcome and shortly before Richard (who is also a quiet person). Loud and partner have been in a fight (he insists on telling everyone, to my horror); he has dealt with it by going out and getting drunk, which he still most clearly is. He is being  fairly gross and making "sausage" jokes about every 5 minutes. His husband is trying to smooth things over and move the party along, but Loud wants to drink more. I take Loud aside to show him the garden and ask him if he could stop talking about fighting with his husband in front of all of us as it's making the atmosphere tense, and his response is that he doesn't tell ME what to talk about. Grr!

It's now (already) time for me to start cooking. Richard finally takes me aside. It's getting too much for him. Can I do something about it? And so, since they are going to have to be leaving soon anyway, I ask husband if he can take Loud home. But then guest #5 shows up, whom Loud wants to see. They stay, I start cooking, they finally leave. Loud and I wish each other good evenings.

An hour later (in a much calmed, dining household) I get a text from Loud. He's outraged that I asked his husband to take him home.   He says although he was drunk he wasn't being loud or aggressive and how dare I ask him to leave because he was offending Richard. And then he basically says, "Enjoy your life."

I'm really pretty surprised about this. I admit I haven't had to ask a drunk guest to leave in quite a while but I didn't know what to do - I was handling his behavior okay personally but could tell he was killing the ability of my dinner guests to enjoy themselves. And I really didn't want Richard to leave because he couldn't put up with Loud anymore.

What should I have done?


( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 15th, 2012 01:19 pm (UTC)
I think you did the best thing considering all the plans and
circumstances. Drunk people are not very rational.
Apr. 15th, 2012 01:25 pm (UTC)

Although I would say that some drunk people are capable of being perfectly charming. Drunk is not an excuse.
Apr. 15th, 2012 01:26 pm (UTC)
I don't think you could have done anything different. You probably noticed how sudden my departure was - see if you can guess why that was...
Apr. 15th, 2012 01:58 pm (UTC)
Glad to hear you found my judgment that he was ruining the vibe not wrong.
Apr. 15th, 2012 01:46 pm (UTC)
If someone is being a drunken or indeed a sober arse in your house, asking them to leave is only reasonable.

Actually simply telling guests they need to leave as you have plans later is also reasonable, so Loud is being a double arse. Sounds like you did as best you could.
Apr. 15th, 2012 01:58 pm (UTC)
You are in no way to blame. I would go further. Loud abused your hospitality and proved himself an unpleasant guest; if he is behaving like this in his private life, he is probably misbehaving at work as well. His agressive text to you suggests that he does in fact feel some level of guilt about his behaviour and decided to get his retaliation in first.

If it happened to me, I would be tempted to reply that his behaviour was unacceptable and embarrassing, and he will be welcome to communicate with you again once he has got a grip on his problems. The shock of getting such a message from you may help him turn the corner to recognising that he needs help. But it may not; anyway, sending it will discharge any remaining responsibility you may have.

You may want to pass a side message to the husband as well.
Apr. 15th, 2012 03:58 pm (UTC)
_Very_ insightful analysis. I think his drinking is getting out of control. I did reply saying that I was sorry I upset him but I had to think about everyone else as well, and also sent a side note to the husband thanking him for the wine and expressing my hopes that we could get together again in a more intimate environment.
Apr. 16th, 2012 04:15 pm (UTC)
What this nice person said.

Also: What a complete cock! I've thrown folk out for way less than that.
Apr. 15th, 2012 03:29 pm (UTC)
What you did while he was there is fine.

I probably would have turned them away when they arrived 2+ hours late though.
Apr. 15th, 2012 03:46 pm (UTC)
:( Drama is right! It really sucks that your day of entertaining wound up being not entertaining.

And enjoy your life? What are we, 12? Double :(
Apr. 15th, 2012 07:19 pm (UTC)
I think you did the right thing by asking the drunk guy's partner to take him home - as for his text, if that had been me I'd have texted apologising profusely!
Apr. 15th, 2012 07:35 pm (UTC)
Loud was being a boor and a poor guest, putting you and everyone else in an uncomfortable situation. I agree with the commenter above that he's getting shirty about it in order to avoid accepting that this was his fault. Apparently that was his day to try to fight with everyone and tell the world about it.

Dealing with drunk people can be so awful. I submit for your regard Head Trip's take on a similar subject.
Apr. 16th, 2012 01:51 am (UTC)
Ah, this is why I gave up tending bar a million years ago...

I thought nwhyte had a great take on what happened. I'm not sure what you could have done differently. And your actions afterward strike me as compassionate and gracious.
Apr. 16th, 2012 04:21 pm (UTC)
You were much nicer than I would have been I would've told him he was being an asshat and then thrown him out. Also part of the blame probably should be placed at the partners door. He should've never brought a drunk & argumentative person to a party in the first place and when he saw how disruptive Loud was being he should have taken the initiative to take him home before it became a scene. :(
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )


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