Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維 (webcowgirl) wrote,
Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維

If you didn't already know this (trigger alert)

I was sexually abused by my stepfather as a child. This has affected how I am as an adult, especially in terms of issues of trust. My mother continued to live with this man for eight years after I told her what was going on. It mostly stopped but I made sure to avoid ever being alone with him. I still had to eat dinner with him every night and have him drive me to Girl Scouts and the mall and go buy groceries with him. So do I know how to bear up in a dangerous situation? Yes I do. Do I expect to go through life without support when I am under fire? Unfortunately, I do. But it's not how I want things to be. Do I know how to live without love and affection? I learned how to do that during those years, too, but that's now how I want my life to be as an adult. I lived with the shame of this for years and then at some point realized I hadn't done anything wrong. So I'm talking about this because I think it's important to say it happened and I didn't do anything wrong and to let other people know if this happened to you, you were not the only one. My counselor said I am not damaged from this in how I deal with other people, but I take betrayal very hard and desperately want security. But mostly, I'm okay. And sometimes, when I see how I deal with people who actively want to damage me, I think I'm probably too okay, because I should not even speak to them or acknowledge their existence. Right, time for work.
Tags: all about my mother, schema
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