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It is hard

I have to remember that part of the reason I am not already divorced is because, last year, when I was finally free to do it (as I'd stuck it through the ILR), I held OFF doing it because (deep breath)

Getting divorced is hard, on a life trauma level it is supposed to be equal in stress to a death in the family.

So I wanted to space out my "hard" things and I decided to GET A NEW JOB FIRST because it was my belief that this would make me HAPPY once I'd done it (changing or losing jobs is also supposed to be at the "death" level of stress) and I wanted the first thing I did after my ILR to be something that made me happy.

Now if you remember last year, I was actually made miserable miserable by the whole job hunt thing, which I'm remembering now and thinking yes of course you really couldn't have handled doing both things at the same time. And getting it at last made me really happy. It hasn't entirely stuck around but there's been a major improvement in my mental outlook.

But what I forgot is getting divorced is hard and stressful and I need to remember that this is GOING to be a difficult time for me and I just need to persevere and FINALLY it will be over, but there are hard times ahead (as well as hard times behind).

The pity is I don't really know too many people who've been divorced - not while I've known them, anyway - and I don't have a lot of role models to look to in terms of "Yeah, this is normal" or "You're having a really hard time, let's go get ice cream." So mentally it's a really lonely place to be and just terribly unromantic (in so many ways). So I don't have much of a support network for this (God knows my mom would have been perfect but she died twelve years back so too bad on that front) and it's hard to deal with and I have to be telling ME "this is hard."

Getting divorced is hard. And when I'm divorced the grieving process will continue. Eventually, I will be better.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 21st, 2012 07:26 am (UTC)
Long distance support group?
I'm pretty well versed in the grieving process--both mine and others'--fwiw. Not something I'm pleased about, of course, but I do feel like it's worth something if someone else can use what I've figured out.
Aug. 21st, 2012 08:28 am (UTC)
Sorry you're having to go through this at all and that it is understandably difficult and stressful.
Aug. 21st, 2012 02:19 pm (UTC)
It should be an easier process .. if one needs to break away, one should be able to do it fast and painlessly. Cf. that Alison Bechdel cartoon about silly putty as a metaphor for relationship breakups: if you pull it apart slowly, it stretches out and gets long and thin. But if you pull it it breaks right in half.
Aug. 21st, 2012 03:32 pm (UTC)
Getting divorced is an uneven emotional process, or at least that was my experience. My first marriage was a disaster of epic proportions; leaving was not a choice if I wanted keep my sanity or my physical well-being. Yet even with all that, I had days where I did grieve.

You are breaking from someone who has been your family for a large part of your adult life. It also could be your grief is echoing other significant losses of family. That's how it has worked for me.
Aug. 21st, 2012 04:54 pm (UTC)
It is hard. I've had to work through feelings of failure, even when I thought I had done everything I could do. There's a lot of weird emotional stuff that bubbles up, even when you know that what you're doing is the right path. So, I've been there, and grieving and feeling upset is totally normal. I would take you out for ice cream if I could.
Aug. 21st, 2012 05:30 pm (UTC)
I remember your words of company and comfort during my divorce. I did a lot of whining in my livejournal in 2002, 2003 and 2004. At the end of 2004 I met Ian and got a little less whiny. A very little.

Anyway, your post made me go through my archives to find something that I could share with you. I don't know how this will hit you, but I found this one.

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )


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