Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維 (webcowgirl) wrote,
Web Cowgirl 衛 思 維

Brain weasels

There are two bad patterns in my brain (my brine?) that started up in the last 6 years and seem to take over when I'm feeling low. One of them is the one from eight and a half years back, that I am an inherently unlovable person who does not merit having friends. I spent a year seeing this as the only logical conclusion I could reach from the intense social ostracism I endured at the hands of three friends that I could only believe no longer liked me because I wasn't worth liking. In my good times I realize the problem was that I had picked the wrong people to be friends with, but when I have people cut me out, I can flip back to this mode. They cut me out because I'm fucked up and unlovable. It's all I should expect. And when this happens, I go into a very bad place, a place where I am looking at a lifetime of being alone, which is a situation that for me is really unendurable because it makes me feel really, really bad.

And being in this place (first time two Octobers ago, when I said I wanted to divorce Jason and a bunch of people decided to cut me out because of this) leads to the other thing, which is wanting to kill myself and end the misery. I sit there and do a cost benefit analysis and based on the pleasure I am getting out of my life I don't see much of a reason to keep living it. Plus, you know, I'm defective (see above). I can tell I am in this place because I sit there at the train stations and keep thinking about where I need to stand for maximum effect. And I don't think, now or then, that I want to take drugs to change these feelings, because when I feel that way, I think that I'm better off _not_ continuing to drag out the situation. And if I'm going to keep spending my life getting into lows that last for six months at a time or longer, is it really a life worth living? I kinda think not.

I'm not feeling that way right now. I'm just feeling shitty. I've been feeling good for two months and I'm hoping the shitty feeling will go away. But I'm sad because looking at the me now, I know that the me of 10 years did not have either of these feelings, and I believe they will always be there in me now, like some disease that is suppressed by a healthy body but comes out when your immunity is dropped.

Yahoo. Check in with me in ten years, maybe I'll manage to break these things by then. Or maybe they'll have broken me.
Tags: bad of the brane, depression
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