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Sick from stress; Steel Pier Review

Wow, I've never actually been sick from stress before. Who'd think that just having one member of the bully girl gang from Seattle move here would actually destroy me like this? I'm guessing it's more the feeling of being unsafe and unprotected that really shot me over the edge, but still, when people talk about things being "triggering," I never thought it could be this bad - PTSD, hives, a week spent on a medication that seems to have given me some memory issues. I got a text from someone last night that asked about meeting me in a pub and I seriously did not remember talking to him about it on Sunday until he reminded me that 1) we'd been on the phone doing a theater podcast Sunday night 2) he'd mentioned being in the same place as me on Friday and that maybe we should get together and I'd said yes. My memory: um, oh yeah. I guess that happened. Was it only Sunday? It could have been last year.

Despite the fact I spent all week at home, I hardly got any writing done (and almost entirely forgot to study for my Life in the UK test) as I wasn't really able to cohere thoughts (although I made great progress reading Mansfield Park). I got ONE review done, folks, one: for Steel Pier at the Union Theater. It's not even the best show I have to write about, which is clearly Victor Victoria - clear as I bought tickets to go back and see it on closing night.

I've had a few people suggest I have "unresolved anxiety issues," and, well, I guess I do, but I don't really know what to do about them: what are the chances of me ever feeling like this again? My consciousness knew things were going to be okay (except for the part where I was having flashbacks to the bad old days in Seattle) and I wasn't going to actually be attacked. I guess I can work harder on focusing on making sure I feel safe, but I really don't want to have to have this happen to me again, ever.

Side effect: I feel like I've been totally cured of the desire to ever look at Jason's Twitter or LJ feed again as it's what got the ball rolling with the feeling of being exposed and unprotected (I mean, I've been telling him for years I don't feel like he'll ever stand up for me and that's been a problem for me, but I didn't realize it had actually, really, fucked me up so bad, except for the dreams about his mom abusing me that I've been having lately). It actually makes me feel anxious to think of it. This is probably a good thing, really.

Today: citizenship test again (not that I actually managed to take it last time due to grabbing the wrong passport). Focus on things I can control, focus on things I can do for myself. Tonight: games and dinner at a friends' house. Tomorrow: gardening. Keep it calm, establish a pattern, build myself back up, hope my gelatinous memory starts to rebuild itself and I can actually think again. This week and next and the next: find people that love me and that I trust and spend as much time with them as possible. Try to build a future where I feel safe and valued and protected. Just because I've spent most of my life feeling exposed and defenseless does not mean that's how my adulthood needs to be - or, rather, the rest of my adulthood.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
m_cobweb
Nov. 17th, 2012 10:41 am (UTC)
Gah, what were the chances of ever seeing her again, much less live in the same city? Surely part of your reaction is due to that, to thinking that part of your life was all behind you only for this to happen. And the J issues of course only exacerbate that.

My advice to myself the last time I felt really threatened was: Gather your allies.I know that might sound ludicrous when you're already feeling unsafe, but it's what gets me through--feeling that helpful people have my back and that we make a united front, as it were.

Meanwhile I will hope that you never cross paths with whatserface. It's a big city. It's possible.)
webcowgirl
Nov. 19th, 2012 08:54 am (UTC)
I haven't been sure who my allies in my personal life are but the people at work have turned out to be really great - my team really has my back and that makes me feel good.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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