There are a couple of things that suck, though. One is that I still have very little energy even on "good" days. The other is that my skin is frequently prickling or heating up or just feeling like little ants are running around, like I might shiver or something but I know I'm not cold. Or I can feel my feet swelling up (and hurting in my shoes) like they were tonight, and I know it's not because I've been standing in the cold. This depresses me because it feels like my body is letting me know that it's really running the show now and me, as a conscious entity, is really just a passenger in the meat sack, and it will do whatever it fucking pleases, as it pleases.
The feeling that I'm in the total control of a merciless master is really disheartening. Add to this the hypersensitivity to emotion and the reality is that I'm really not in control of my body or my mind these days - when I'm feeling stressed, I feel like I'm being chased by demons with whips and the urge to escape it (to run in the direction it wants me to go by hurting me) is unavoidable, even in the face of exhaustion. It's amazing what your own body's chemicals will do to you. I look forward to at some point resuming the pretense that I'm running this show; but in the meantime, there will be little going out, no exercise, more movies and books, and a concentrated effort to reduce the scope of my life to the size that I can survive until this thing gives up.
