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I'll social media you, baby

One of the things I kind of stopped doing a few years back was obsessively checking adds/"defriends" on the various social networks I'm on. I turned notifications off in Twitter, I stopped using the friends checker tool wechsler had developed, no more DJ, and God knows what you're supposed to be doing with Facebook. It all seemed very childish to first, think most of the "adds" had anything to do with friendship (I mean seriously, Twitter, it's mostly spam), and otherwise it was 90% a chance of causing your self a bunch of heartache (ohh someone who hasn't posted in years DOESN'T LIKE ME ANYMORE!) over nothing (oh wait they've actually joined a monastery). So I just stopped, because it was just silly dwama and if people wanted to read my stuff or not, whatever.

However, I was sorry to notice (a bit after it happened) that my "former best friend" and maid of honor at my wedding had, in a "point making" (yet point not clarified) moment, removed me from Facebook. My crime: I'd sent her a letter saying that her treatment of me last year, when she spent the ride to the airport 1) berating me for pissing her off - six hours before we got in the car (for an honest mistake that you can only apologize for once 2) blaming me for being so selfish we had to drive to the airport at 2 AM (though she'd been the one who refused the hotel I'd paid for that we could have stayed at the night before) 3) blasting the radio so I couldn't answer 4) ignoring me (for the remaining two hours), was really bad and had upset me enough that I didn't know how to handle it, as I saw no reason to think she would not do it again and I certainly was never going back to Mississippi to see her again if this was the case.

Did she apologize? Did she say she'd never do it again? Well, no. But I said I couldn't handle being friends with someone who made me feel unsafe, and that I wasn't okay with being yelled at, and I guess by snipping the little thread that I had left open after my return (I had wanted to just go ahead and defriend her right away but wanted to keep the lines open in case I either stopped feeling panicky about what had happened or she maybe decided to apologize) she did something that at least would ensure it didn't happen again.

So I am left wondering, did I poke her ego (in the Proustian way) unforgivably by calling out an imperfection, does she feel I just should have forgotten about it and I'm holding grudges, or does she think people actually should put up with being treated that way as it's her right as queen of the universe? We always had a clash as two queen of the universes, and she wanted to make sure she was the one who was controlling me, and I wasn't into being controlled, at all. And I'm certainly not into being yelled at. I've worked hard to make a life where that doesn't have to be the way things are, that people talk to each other with an assumption of trust underneath everything, that if they say something hard you still know they love you and they are trying as hard as possible to say it in a way that ensures you know the care is still there. You don't call names, you don't yell. And, I guess, that's not how she sees things. Maybe she just doesn't get bothered by stuff very easily: my guess is that she's so strong-willed she never gets yelled at the way she yells at other people.

We didn't talk to each other for about ten years after the last time she did something to violate my trust. Maybe in ten more years time she'll have mellowed out enough that she won't want to act like this anymore. At any rate, I waited a year to make sure it really was a big deal (it had me in tears for most of last January), and for some of that time hoped she'd say something like, "I'm really sorry about that, I hadn't had enough sleep;" but nothing. I think I really tried this time; and somehow, not seeing her updates on Facebook anymore is a bit of a relief.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 22nd, 2013 05:22 pm (UTC)
You told her you didn't want to be friends with her, but are bothered when she agrees by taking you off her friends list?

Sloane decided i wasn't his friend 4 years ago with no explanation, though i kept his Fb and Lj on my friends lists until last year. He invited my brother and father to his wedding, but not me. So i removed him from my lists. 9 months later he removed me. Good riddance!

I miss the friendship, but i'm not going to get upset when he reciprocates my point. Which is what your former friend did. She reciprocated your point making ("i can't be friends with someone who did what you did") with her own (removing you on fb). When it happens, sure there's a moment of reliving the slights (see if you can spot the point in my journal when Sloane removed me), but i'm not going to make additional hurt out of it at this point. It's what i wanted, given that he abandoned me 4 years ago.
Jan. 23rd, 2013 08:28 am (UTC)
My hope had been that she'd acknowledge that the way she treated me was not how she intended to treat me in the future. But apparently this wasn't the case. So I'm bothered because she'd rather let her temper rage out of control than stay friends with me, but if that is the case than the friendship was no longer tenable; I would have preferred a thoughtful response to just defriending on FB in either case - it's just very passive aggressive.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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