I'm frustrated that I'm not seeing any increase in my energy levels. It's been, what, a week? I can't tell if I'm actually better than I was between Christmas and New Year's, because although I probably would sleep in the middle of the day (I did every day when I was on holiday), I can't because I'm at work. But I'm tired, tired, tired. And I wish I could nap during the day, or work reduced hours, or something, but because of the new boss and the fact any time I take off is coming out of my paycheck, I'm here every day, trying to squeak past my 37 required hours.
I'm in a bit of a situation, though, because the steps I took to try to reduce my feelings of isolation and depression have led to an increase in stress and that also keeping my feelings of exhaustion very high (thank you, circular physical logic). Realizing I need more support, I've asked Jason to spend a whole lot more time with me for the next month - more than I think he was anticipating, but, hopefully, enough for him to manage in the short while. I am really, really hoping that some solid secure space and a near total cut out of activities (especially during the week) will help flatten out the exhaustion and the stress so that in maybe in as little as two weeks I can actually walk to Covent Garden and back on my lunch break and not want to immediately lie down and sleep.
It's been really, really frustrating being this ill and not being able to, through my own will, dig a way out of it. I desperately want to be better, but my body will do what it wants to on whatever schedule it wants to. And I can't rest myself better; I can only actively reduce stress in order to get better and unfortunately isolation increases my stress level. Let's hope the quiet nights home with Jason will help. I wish like hell I could get someone else to come to my house and keep me company, but I don't have any friends that live close enough to do it easily and the friends I have who might do it on a weekend all live too far away to do it on weeknights, when I'm most prone to coming home and getting extremely morbid about my future. And I just can't handle the energy output of going to other people's houses on weeknights - it wrecks me enough to wipe me for all of the next day.
Patience. Not my strong suit. I just wish I could at least see some signs of improvement.