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Oh, Saturday. Oh, urticaria.

I am just out of energy today. Slept 9 hours and woke up ready for more sleep; ate, showered, turned in a meter reading for the electricity, went back to bed. I think last week, recovering from my relapse, was just really hard on me, and I'm still trying to get enough rest. Plus, you know, I'm still sick.

I guess I have to be glad about a few things. First, I know I'm better than I was in December and January. I have enough energy to walk up stairs regularly; I don't need to take an hour to recover from the journey into work anymore; and, while I haven't consistently not fell over ded at work from exhaustion, it's now much rarer than it was.

Second, despite not being better all the way (like I thought the doctor said I would be, as of three weeks ago), I am grateful that I'm not longer seriously worried about losing my job. I thought in December I was going to likely be fired once they realized how incapable I was; I believed in January I might have to find another career. I've now levelled out enough that I no longer think it's likely that I'll be managed out of my job, though I have to acknowledge it still might happen if I show any sign of weakness at work (sick days, not staying on top of things). I definitely don't feel like I'm well enough to look for another job, which is sad as I want to always be enough on top of my game to be able to do this at the drop of a good offer, but knowing I'm not being forced to do it is a relief. And with my new boss, I'm not in such a rush any more. I can relax and settle in.

Third, in addition to my physical health being improved, my mental health is better. It's still not good - I feel like I've been under constant attack for the last two months and I'm incredibly anxious and can't process it very well (it fucks up my skin and then my body and then my energy levels evaporate), and the anxiety drives me hard to try to find any means possible to reduce anxiety so that it will go away (see user icon). This is necessary for me to get the uticaria to finally go away, but it's also like some strange biological/mental thing that makes me feel like I'm not really entirely in control of what's going on and the meatsack is making decisions based on what it needs and I'm just along for the ride. On the other hand, I've gone from regular suicidal thoughts (early January) to probably none for two or three weeks now, and as that is one of the measures I use for my mental health, I'm happy to say that by that standard I'm improving. But I'd really like to feel less panicky. And I'd like to not have things upset me so easily that I wind up having to sleepwalk through the next three days because of the effect it has on my body (and the fact I won't get paid for taking any more sick time off work). Again, I need to feel safe and supported. The last three months have been a wretched exercise in having everything in my life overturned and needing to start again basically from scratch, in having my face ground daily in my worst psychological trauma factor (abandonment), and even if I wasn't sick, it would have sucked.

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( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
varina8
Mar. 9th, 2013 06:17 pm (UTC)
The ups and downs sound frustrating. Hang in there and don't push your body too hard.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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